Wednesday, August 03, 2005

start over again, for the first time

two days ago, i stood against the blue wall in the hallway of my apartment as my roommate took pictures of me in a black string bikini: front, side and back shots. when he asked me about it (“are you in a contest or something?”), i mumbled something about body for life and tried to change the subject. it’s hard to talk to him about any of it because he’s got a steady girlfriend now and all they do is eat and have sex and argue. so he’s got this bulk around his waist now and he doesn’t care because they’re together and she likes him for who he is. whatever. some months ago, he was trying to work out all the time and then he hooked up with her and now it’s like, why bother, she’s mine. he wouldn’t understand that i’m doing it for me, for my personal best. or maybe i didn’t feel like explaining it.

what they say is true: the camera doesn’t lie and a bikini does not forgive. at first i was a little surprised because it didn’t match what was in my head. but then i took a deep breath, got really objective and looked again, remembering the last time i stepped into a ladies’ locker room and flashing back to what i saw. i consoled myself, a little. i didn’t have any cellulite, anywhere, at all. no spider veins, no rolls of fat or excess skin at the waist, no lumps that made me look misshapen. curves were starting to happen at my waistline and my stomach held definition without me having my breath or something. i am a lot closer to my goal than i thought i was. and frankly, i look a lot better than i thought i did. i just look a little swollen, for lack of a better word.




i want a longer, leaner look. i’m giving myself until the end of the summer—september 22?—to get it. that’s about 7 weeks. if i lose 2 lbs a week, i’ll healthfully reach my goal.




wow. this seems do-able. i wonder if i’ll actually pull it off?

4 comments:

piu piu said...

i looked at your website bio. very cool!

have u checked out my sis Mimi in New York.

I'm trying to come out to NY, but as you pointed out...its not a place but what you want to do...and I have to wait to see if I get funding for some film projects in the UK first.I'm showing at the 291 gallery in london soon anyway. But I contacted a load of film screening venues in NY and it looks good and possible that i may get my stuff screened out there.

i can but wait.

good luck with the fitness programme. u look pretty thin anyway.

piu piu said...

btw don't forget you were probly just standing normally, and not striking any of the poses that are designed to make a bikini look good

Ron, apparently said...

The biggest hurdle to personal fitness and well-being is actually getting off the damn couch and starting something. You've already accomplished what most never do in getting beyond the "I need to do something about my waist/hips/fitness" stage. Best of luck. Stick with it, with any luck you might start enjoying it...(I'm not there yet!)

queenesther said...

bingo -- you totally hit the nail on the head. i got up off the couch but i'm trying to find something to keep me active so i don't end up back on the sofa weighing even more than i did when i started. maybe boxing will be the thing that i get excited enough to stick to.

the problem is, i don't want to look good "for my age," or any other variable. i want to look great, period. and i'll fight that couch for as long as i have to, to do it.