i got fired from my middle-of-the-night day job yesterday. i was told confidentially that somebody had it in for me. i remember thinking, someone always has it in for me. when has that ever not been true? i know who she is, of course. she'll feel the satisfaction of not ever again having to watch me, That Black Girl, walk down the corridor with a carton full of gourmet chinese food that i just raided from some executive meeting in the conference room -- with that smug self-satisfied look on my face because i got the last of the shrimp lo mein -- or doing anything else that i'm not supposed to do. but i do it, anyway. such enviornments always make me feel entitled. i think it's an after-effect of everyone else's sense of entitlement rubbing off on me. corporate osmosis.
ignoring her, of course. always ignoring her. honestly, i thought i was invisible. as "The Only Black Girl In The Office," i'm always invisible, in a high-profile kind of way. well. i made a mistake. she snagged me on it. the end. here's the kicker: i don't care. believe it or not, i actually feel terribly for her. think about it: there i go, leaving that situation like a winner, relieved and happy, triumphantly striding into the rest of my life -- my writing, my music, all the cool bands, the acting, the fun and mayhem that will inevitably ensue from all of it. all that. but that situation is pretty much all she has. everyone on the job knows it and they pity her. she needs a hobby of some sort. i don't know. maybe knitting. i love knitting. it makes me feel...productive.
i thought i'd feel some kind of fear or maybe even panic. i was waiting for my chest to tighten or my breathing to change. any indication that i was freaking out. all i could feel was sweet relief. and in the end, that was no surprise. i'm so used to flying by the seat of my pants, i don't know if i could live any other way.
i wanted my life back. having to keep that graveyard shift routine up for weeks on end was draining the life out of me. in my world, turmoil everywhere else in my life means that home should be more orderly than usual, and my apartment was a complete mess. i know how far off i am by how long it's been since i made my bed -- and it's been weeks. besides all that, my roommate has a girlfriend now. they have to eat and sleep together and have sex all the time, so she's practically moved in with us.
i made good use of the money i made and got myself out of a hole, but i am fearless in the face of poverty, regardless. i'm not going to put the brakes on my happiness to obsess about a thing like money, anyway. it will come and go, just like it always has. for now and for the next good little while, all of the basics are covered. enough said.
after goofing off with everyone in my room that worked my shift, i cleaned out my desk and skipped out to see "the aristocrats" in times square.
bizarrely enough, earlier that afternoon, i had an audition for the movie "dreamgirls" at jay binder casting in midtown for the role of "effie" (yes, she's the one that sings that drag queen anthem "And I am Telling You"...) i left there with the utmost confidence, knowing that i did a really great job -- in part because i knew the person that i was reading against, a really cool black woman that i'd seen in and out of auditions for years. actually, she was at my last commercial call, a regional spot for new york lotto the day before at beth melsky's. we went in together. we both felt that seeing her in the room and reading with her was a good omen. she silently reassured me with everything that i did.
i picked up sides a few days before and pretty much memorized them but they wanted a pop song from the 60's - early 70's, too -- so i sang "What Kind Of Fool Am I?" to the camera. God, i love that song. it really sums it up, you know? and i loooove anthony newley. charlie and the chocolate factory was lovely but it had a hole in it because "pure imagination" wasn't in the soundtrack. what a beautiful song. hm. maybe i should have sung that at the audition...but i digress.
wouldn't it be funny if i got a callback? wouldn't it be funny if i got the part? the day i lose a job, i land a lead role in a major motion picture. i'm telling you, you really can't make this stuff up.