in my fun time alone with friends in montreal, it suddenly dawns on me that i really love being alone -- so much so that i can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like if i were with someone else. you know, as part of a couple, doing that couple thing, spending time together and all that crap. i used to think about that sometimes. i'd think, wow, i'm going to have a boyfriend eventually and we'll do this and we'll do that. but now i'm thinking, thank God i don't have a boyfriend, so i can do this and i can do that. i know this sounds wonky, but there are so many things that i'd want to do by myself if i were with someone else that i think i'd be resenting the person in question for keeping me away from them, even if i were having fun.
what am i saying? especially if i were having fun.
or maybe he'd be so cool that i wouldn't care. but that would have to be some kind of cool because frankly, i've forgotten what that feels like, to be with someone that's that cool. cool like that doesn't exist anymore. or if it does, it's married or living with somebody else. don't get me wrong. i meet cool guys all the time and when i do, i think, wow, he's cool. and then it's over. the distraction is so fleeting and then i'm thinking about my laundry again or an unfinished song or how to play the last chord i learned on the piano and the guitar or how i should call my grandmother when i get home and tell her what happened to me yesterday or the nars mudd i'm running out of and how i'd like to give myself a mask the next time i'm soaking in the tub. stuff like that is running through my head when the cool guy's cool factor wears off. usually within about 15 minutes or so, depending on what we're talking about. especially if he's conventionally good-looking. frankly, i don't really like conventionally good-looking guys. to my eye, it becomes very ordinary looking in no time at all. and then he looks like everybody else. the next thing you know, someone goes, wow, he's good looking and i say, yeah but in my head i'm thinking, yeah?
yeah, that's the way it goes.
the thing is, i can't think of anything in couplehoodlandia that i want. or need. i don't even want to live with anyone else. i can hardly stand having a roommate -- and he's not there that much. it's not just about having my time infringed upon. that happens all the time, anyway. the world rushes in and my day is gone. that's life. it's all this other stuff i don't have to deal with. like someone else's issues, someone else's problems, someone else's emotional trauma. i don't know. i've done such a great job of dealing with mine and i'm such a happy girl right now. sometimes i'm walking around and i'm feeling so happy and so free and i think, God, i know i won't feel like this all the time because that would be insane but please let this last for a really long time. and it totally has. i'm so productive right now. i'm learning so much. so many wonderful things are happening creatively. what could being with someone give me that i don't already have?
maybe i've become a selfish cow. (somehow, that's always a possibility.) maybe i still have intimacy issues and this is my way of dodging the commitment issue. (no, that one isn't true. i dealt with all of that in therapy. thank Jesus.) maybe i've reached a new level of my singlehood and i'm reveling in it, really enjoying my time alone -- and that isn't as socially acceptable for girls to do as everyone thinks it is. (this is probably the right answer.) or maybe i'm just superjaded. (yup.) i don't know.
what i do know is, i really love being alone.