Wednesday, August 24, 2005

i really love being alone

in my fun time alone with friends in montreal, it suddenly dawns on me that i really love being alone -- so much so that i can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like if i were with someone else. you know, as part of a couple, doing that couple thing, spending time together and all that crap. i used to think about that sometimes. i'd think, wow, i'm going to have a boyfriend eventually and we'll do this and we'll do that. but now i'm thinking, thank God i don't have a boyfriend, so i can do this and i can do that. i know this sounds wonky, but there are so many things that i'd want to do by myself if i were with someone else that i think i'd be resenting the person in question for keeping me away from them, even if i were having fun.

what am i saying? especially if i were having fun.

or maybe he'd be so cool that i wouldn't care. but that would have to be some kind of cool because frankly, i've forgotten what that feels like, to be with someone that's that cool. cool like that doesn't exist anymore. or if it does, it's married or living with somebody else. don't get me wrong. i meet cool guys all the time and when i do, i think, wow, he's cool. and then it's over. the distraction is so fleeting and then i'm thinking about my laundry again or an unfinished song or how to play the last chord i learned on the piano and the guitar or how i should call my grandmother when i get home and tell her what happened to me yesterday or the nars mudd i'm running out of and how i'd like to give myself a mask the next time i'm soaking in the tub. stuff like that is running through my head when the cool guy's cool factor wears off. usually within about 15 minutes or so, depending on what we're talking about. especially if he's conventionally good-looking. frankly, i don't really like conventionally good-looking guys. to my eye, it becomes very ordinary looking in no time at all. and then he looks like everybody else. the next thing you know, someone goes, wow, he's good looking and i say, yeah but in my head i'm thinking, yeah?

yeah, that's the way it goes.

the thing is, i can't think of anything in couplehoodlandia that i want. or need. i don't even want to live with anyone else. i can hardly stand having a roommate -- and he's not there that much. it's not just about having my time infringed upon. that happens all the time, anyway. the world rushes in and my day is gone. that's life. it's all this other stuff i don't have to deal with. like someone else's issues, someone else's problems, someone else's emotional trauma. i don't know. i've done such a great job of dealing with mine and i'm such a happy girl right now. sometimes i'm walking around and i'm feeling so happy and so free and i think, God, i know i won't feel like this all the time because that would be insane but please let this last for a really long time. and it totally has. i'm so productive right now. i'm learning so much. so many wonderful things are happening creatively. what could being with someone give me that i don't already have?

maybe i've become a selfish cow. (somehow, that's always a possibility.) maybe i still have intimacy issues and this is my way of dodging the commitment issue. (no, that one isn't true. i dealt with all of that in therapy. thank Jesus.) maybe i've reached a new level of my singlehood and i'm reveling in it, really enjoying my time alone -- and that isn't as socially acceptable for girls to do as everyone thinks it is. (this is probably the right answer.) or maybe i'm just superjaded. (yup.) i don't know.

what i do know is, i really love being alone.

9 comments:

Sex and the Sushi said...

LOL And I thought I was the only woman on the face of the earth that felt this way. I was starting to think I was peculiar or maybe just really misanthropic! I can relax now…I’m normal (relatively speaking).

Smooches!

queenesther said...

i know a lot of women who feel this way. they don't necessarily want to get married or have kids -- or have someone in their lives, either. if any of that happens, terrific but they're not pining for it, you know? it's not a goal. they just want to freakin' live. but that's not socially acceptable. not for girls, anyway.

i think i read somewhere that there are more women who are childless and single nowadays than there ever has been in US history. trippy, huh? we are legion -- and we don't even know it.

piu piu said...

i love my bloke, but i really really miss living on my own, and being alone whenever i feel like it. i'll live on my own again sometime soon, and it'll be great...

Sex and the Sushi said...

Hello QE! You know I did see The Brown Bunny but I didn’t like it. Then again, what the hell do I know? I liked Heaven’s Gate! LOL I’ve never seen Boise Moi? but I remember when it came out. I’d made plans to see it but then something happened. Now that I know it’s on DVD I’m adding it to my list. Thanks for the info! Now back to this “loving aloneness” topic…yep, still loving it! I had an almost date recently. I met a guy and I was all set to go out with him until he told me what he wanted to do for our “official” first date. Can you guess what he said? Give up? He said he wanted to come over to my house and watch movies and talk. Maybe I’m old fashioned or just snobby but the idea of some man calling sitting on my couch, watching my DVDs and eating my microwave popcorn a “date” really chaps my hide! Either court me or leave me the hell alone! In fact, never mind the courting; just leave me alone!

Smooches!
Ms. GD

queenesther said...

you liked "heaven's gate"? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! you are a hoot!

about them movies:
i just watched "baise moi" via netflix and it kind of freaked me out -- though not as much as pasolini's "salo" (that movie tops them all, believe me). the french movie "irreversible" had a rape scene that was so real, i had to turn of the dvd player and go for a walk. let me know what you think if you happen upon those flicks.

and freakin' wow, i am right there with you on the dating front. what in the wide world of sports was he thinking? popcorn and a movie on your couch? you're not his buddy. this ain't "girls night in". he could have taken out out for coffee and a brioche and talked to you. too often, we don't get what we deserve -- we get what we put up with.

you got it -- courtship or nothing. and when that's what you usually have to deal with, nothing is looking better and better all the time.

piu piu said...

ok on a boast front- the director of irreversible- gaspar noe, has a girlfriend called lucille hadzihalilovic...whom i interviewed in paris about her new film for a uk film magazine called filmwaves

ok boast over.

if u like sick ass movies- do u watch argento films?

queenesther said...

whoa, that's quite a boast. talk about six degrees of separation! is her movie any good?

and okay, i don't get asia d'argento. her father is something. "susperia" is strong stuff but it didn't freak me out like salo did. i'm sorry, but that movie is over the damn top. have you seen it?

piu piu said...

her movie, 'innocence' should be coming out in US soon if its not already. its beautiful. definitely go see.

http://tenminutesolder.blogspot.com/2005/08/several-weeks-ago-i-made-trip-to-paris.html

argento is so absolutely tasteless i love it....and hate it. i can watch one about every 3 months and then need another 3 to get the gross taste out my mouth. Asia is crap for sure. i dunno. her dad is verging on talentless also, but somehow he manages to make it work for him....probably thru absolute insanity and weirdness

Sex and the Sushi said...

Heeeeeeyyyy! No jokes about HG! If Michael Cimino had been Italian or French HG would have been hailed as a masterpiece! So there! ;-p

I feel you on your feelings (lol) after watching those movies. There have only been two movies that have affected me that way, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and Pedro Almodóvar’s “Matador”. I’ve loved everything PA has done since then but there was definitely something…disquieting about the subject matter. I’m very far behind in my foreign film watching! You and Piu Piu keep giving me such great titles to check out! Hoorah!

And as for that guy, yes he was a bit of a dud but what can you do? I was so looking forward to a little tonsil hockey (‘cause he was muy impresionante, wink wink). I even suggested meeting him for a drink but he was dead set on getting his butt comfortable on my couch. I must have hurt his feelings because now I’m a “prudish, tight-assed ice queen”. No bother…I’ve got, I say, I’ve got my hot buttery popcorn to keep me warm…LOL

Smooches,
Ms. GD