the lovely upshot

i know, i know -- i don't have a "day job." and in the conventional sense of what that is, it means that i'm not supposed to be doing so well. but here's the real deal:

1. my time is my own -- for practicing the piano in the mornings, bouncing in and out of auditions, taking voice lessons, messing with my guitar, writing more songs/lyrics, baking the perfect cake. i can do whatever i want creatively. it's a miracle.
   
2. i'm watching three or four movies a week, thanks to netflix. (i'd like to say that i'm entertaining myself but really, i'm doing my homework.)
   
3. i'm using all of my favorite products on my hair and skin and its starting to show (that's perricone for the face and khiel's for the body, for those of you keeping score at home.)
4. i'm losing weight and getting my body back, thanks to a supercheap city gym membership, acid reflux restrictions and -- what else? -- genuine heartache.
   
5. i'm treating myself to all of my favorite edibles (like fresh blackberries and lady grey tea, and meals out at my favorite restaurants) because my reflux situation puts so many restrictions on me, and i have to make my stomach happy whenever i can.
   
6. my music career is on track (finally!) with not one but three totally different really cool bands
   
7. i go to my favorite museums all the time and sometimes watch art movies, usually during the week when the tourists aren't around. it gives me ideas.
   
8. i'm grateful to God that i've got really cool friends to goof off with, write letters/send packages to, visit and talk to out of nowhere in the middle of the night. and i'm also very grateful that i've still got my immediate family on this side of the grave: all of my brothers are alive -- including the baby brother, who's still in iraq. and my parents are still married and together and happy, and i still have my grandmother. whenever things seem horrible, that's one of the first things i think about: my support system.
   
9. i've got a beautiful iBook.
   
10. i'm reading more books, 'blogging more, writing better songs, coming up with better ideas. i want to do kwaanza right this year so i'm knitting, for crying out loud. i don't know. it feels like i've had a power surge creatively and it's giving me some sort of superstrength in every part of my world. i'm not a superhero but more and more, it's beginning to feel as though i have powers beyond those of mere mortal men.
    

i don't know what it is but everytime something awful happens to me, something truly wonderful takes its place. i think this is the way it's always been in my life. nowadays i can see it clearly when something especially horrible occurs because the shift towards grace is so direct and overt and complete. or maybe so many horrible things happened so quickly, the world stopped turning for a moment just so i could feel that grace. and now for the some strange reason, the lovely upshot is that i feel so happy all the time, the way i used to when i was very little. happy and grateful.