30 days of birthday - day 19: happy juneteenth!

a juneteenth celebration in texas -- june 19, 1900.

juneteenth -- our independence day -- is the day that the abolition of slavery was announced in galveston, texas in 1865.

i blogged all about it here -- pretty funny, too...!

30 days of birthday - day 18: random snapshots from the jazz age lawn party

30 days of birthday - day 17: guess who won the pie contest?

grace gotham and i, having a beautiful birthday moment.

yep - i won the pie contest at the jazz age lawn party on governor's island yesterday: best savory -- tomato pie! grace gotham said they put it on the table for the crowd to sample and it was gone in ten minutes. yikes!

30 days of birthday - day 16: the jazz age lawn party

yes, i'm going.
yes, i'm dressing up.
yes, i'm taking lots of photos.
yes, i'm entering the pie contest.
yes, yes, yes!

30 days of birthday - day 15: birchbox!

let me just say this for the record: i enjoy being a girl. admittedly, it was not always so. i wasn't the girl that knew how to be a girl in this really effortless female way.  i have always had to work hard at it. for the most part, its a fun ride but that wasn't always so, either. i was a tomboy until i hit puberty -- well, you can read all about that here, if you'd like) and then i was a very angry bitter pill until i hit college.  and then i got hit on, a lot. and then everything went left. thank God i was in texas. but i digress.

my friend gina told me about birchbox -- for $10 a month, a pretty package would arrive at my door, filled with anything from perfume to the perfect lip stain. i get to try all kinds of beauty products i'd heard about but could hardly afford. i love experimenting with makeup -- God knows there's always something new to explore -- but who has the time to run in and out of department stores and the like, and make that happen? and with no real money?

with birchbox, there are no contracts to sign, no crazy commitments, no complications. i get to try before i buy. and yes, there are online video tutorials, a pretty comprehensive website and a store to purchase whatever sample i like. too perfect!

i am smitten with the idea of trying things out at home like this. with enough subscribers, the opportunities are endless, really. what a great idea. is everybody doing this with all kinds of stuff, and i'm the last one to know about it? (probably.)


this is the way it looks when it crash lands on my kitchen table. it feels like a birthday present every month.

when i open it, there's a little card that explains how everything in the box coincides with the theme for the month. cute!

i open the tissue paper and what do i find? such lovely things. to the left, cynthia rowley dress-up band-aids -- something the girl in me could really get addicted to, if i were a little more accident-prone. below that, borghese crema saponetta cleansing bar for face and body -- perfect for traveling. you can even use it instead of shaving cream.

and then there's that little package, wrapped in tissue paper...

...filled with ada cosmetics bronzer ("flatters every skin tone"...yeah, we'll see about that...), bvlgari omnia crystalline eau de toilette spray ("combines notes of lotus flowers, bamboo and Nashi pear" - LOVE what this turns into when it melds with my chemistry/skin) and thebalm cosmetics stainiac in beauty queen (a two in one lip and cheek stain).

there are at least 3 things that i'd like more of from this haul, starting with that perfume. and the lip stain has inspired me.

hm. someone should create something like this exclusively for women of color.

okay, so here's the kicker: if i refer anyone to them, i get points (yippee!) so if you'd like to hook me up ("happy birthday to meeeee!"), please click here. and yes, a thousand thank yous in advance -- because like i said, this girl stuff is not only expensive. it's hard work.

30 days of birthday - day 14: make art

Source: thefreshexchangeblog.com via Megan on Pinterest

i sometimes envy people who choose to do what they do, whatever it is.  i didn't choose to be an artist. i was always like this.

i'm growing a lot of ideas right now. they're coming at me explosively, like shrapnel.  sometimes a long walk will smooth things out but for the most part they unfurl inside me as i think on them. i should be a hermit for the next few weeks, just so i can write it all out -- but no such luck.  the sun is out, finally, and the beach is calling me like a long lost friend. boxing conditioning class is mandatory. there are too many places to hang out all over the place, especially in my own neighborhood. 

the art in me is everything that i am, poured into whatever it is that i'm doing at the moment. what i'm doing never feels like work. it is spontaneous, effortless and freeing. i follow my strongest curiousity and let it take me everywhere. i take copious notes. i daydream. i collaborate. and all of a sudden, everything takes shape as if it were there all along. and then i go and make something else.

you know what's work? practicing is work.  it won't be work when i get good at it but for the moment, i feel like sisyphus whenever i play the piano. or the guitar. *sigh* it's not a good feeling.

 no one explained this process to me. i refined it on these mean streets, by trial and error, by hell and high water, and by fire.  i began to walk down this road when i realized that because so much art in new york city (and the rest of the world) didn't include me, i would have to make my own. and then all of that grew into something else.

the idea of going out into the world to "discover" any of what i'm creating sounds exhausting.  it has always been much easier to know myself well enough to delve into my inner life for inspiration. i am grateful to God that i loved myself enough to value what i found and hold it sacred long enough to develop it and grow it into whatever it's supposed to be.

i wonder what's coming out of me next.

30 days of birthday - day 13: billie holiday's resting place - the npr interview

the idea was intriguing, full of promise and somewhat daunting: an interview with an award winning npr producer at billie holiday's grave, to air on the anniversary of her death.

we decided to convene in front of the iconic lenox lounge at high noon on tuesday -- npr producer/reporter elizabeth blair, author and columbia university professor farah griffin and harmelodic me -- for our trek to st. raymond's cemetery, which was located in a far removed section of the bronx, all the way out behind God's back as my great-grandmother would say, by the throg's neck bridge at edgewater park.  no wonder i had never been there before, or ever thought to go. it was not easily accessible -- not like woodlawn cemetery, available via the 2, 4 or 5 subway lines, internationally recognized as a resting place for some of the greatest jazz musicians in the world, and recently designated a national historic landmark.  talk about a no man's land: edgewater park hadn't appeared on official city maps until 20 years ago. if you don't want to be found, that's exactly where you want to be.

ironically, woodlawn feels like a constant celebration of life. it's a really old cool place -- and i love old cool places. there are people wandering around constantly, looking hither and yon at the landscape, the architecture, the art and of course looking for musicians' graves. there are tour groups. there are events, festive gatherings, performances and the like. i mean, seriously cool stuff.  (i've performed there, too.) they even have a friends of the woodlawn cemetery group that spearheads a lot of activities. i love going there, especially with friends who love jazz as much as i do.  it's a wonderful way to pause and reflect and get lost in the past and the present while tipping slowly towards the future, all at once.  if it's a sunny day, you feel as though you're in a park because everything is so lush and green and well tended.  i suppose it takes a lot of money to maintain such a large expanse.

st. raymond's, on the other hand, is very private and very catholic. it's also older than woodlawn -- but it doesn't feel like it. i suppose the church picks up the tab for maintenance and upkeep because there are no paid tours and such. it feels so austere and distant, somehow -- and no small wonder. public transportation is not really an option and if you do get all the way out there, you had bloody well better have a way to get back. i can't even imagine the long strange walk you would have to endure to return to the land of the living, a subway line or a yellow cab sighting of some sort.

npr photographer mito habe-evans was a lovely surprise.  it was gray and cold (in the 60s? in june?) with a constant threat of rain -- so cinematic -- and fittingly, the small sturdy black umbrella i wielded held so much blue sky inside of it. we jumped into the first jitney that stopped for us at the corner of 125th & lenox. he was african and spoke english haltingly but thankfully his gps worked perfectly. with introductions all around and the talk amongst us that ensued, it seemed that we were there in no time at all.

adorned with my favorite african silver jewelry, i wore a black wiggle dress. i don't know why. when i realized how soggy and cold and miserable it was outside, i decided to wear a hat that made my head look as though it was covered with dogwood blossoms.  farah wore a black dress, too.  i was relieved to see that.  after a certain point, it felt as though we were dressed in funeral attire. totally appropriate, somehow.



once we were out of the office and done with logistics and armed with maps that would lead us to her section and plot number, our chat turned into a freewheeling conversation about jazz and the music industry and history and such that encompassed our collective love and respect for lady day. we wandered down a long wide stretch of black asphalt, framed with large trees that leaned over us, hovering attentively as we wandered with a purpose, opening and closing our umbrellas with each threat of a downpour. somewhere in the distance, cars whizzed by. every so often, a low-flying jet airliner zooming slowly overhead would break through the quiet around us. with headphones on, elizabeth and her mic was surprisingly unobtrusive -- and so was mito's camera.  it felt like we were done by the time we got started.





then again, to be completely honest, i'm not so sure when we got started. we had begun so long ago, each of us, where ever we were when we first encountered ms. holiday's voice, whenever we began to get to know her through her music, her biographies, her high-falutin' autobiography and whatever else we could read. and that almost completely fictional bio-pic that way too many people treat like a weird documentary. we  kept moving along such powerful yet tenuous parallel lines with our ideas and our projects and our performances and our documentaries and our interviews that circumnavigated this lady. somewhere along the way, those lines converged at her tombstone, with me singing and farah holding still and elizabeth holding the mic, unwavering and mito clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking away.

we won't be able to hear any of what we did until it airs on july 17th but i know it will capture the beauty and elegance and reverence that drifted around us like so much silver lining on such a cloudy day. mito's camera could shoot video, so she did. i remember that she was especially careful to hold it still as i sang. who knows if she got anything at all.  and that's alright with me. i quite like surprises.







there were moments that will stay with me for a long time, regardless. how silent we became when we realized that we had found it, and how we stayed that way for longer than i thought we would. reading aloud frank o'hara's beautiful and elegaic poem the day lady died.  farah, leaving a bottle of gardenia perfume on the edge of the bottom of the tombstone.  all of us, staring at her headstone and taking it all in, and then feeling a strange jolt in the pit of me as a thought flashes through my head and stays there, like a perpetual echo unfurled: she is real. she is real. she is real. she is real. she is real. she is real. she is real.

30 days of birthday - day 12: the npr interview

today is the day that i rendevous with npr producer/reporter elizabeth blair and author/columbia professor farah griffin in front of lenox lounge at high noon. we are going to st. raymond's cemetery in the bronx, to visit billie holiday's grave and conduct an interview there.  it's for npr's morning staple all things considered that will air on july 17 to coincide with the anniversary of her death. 

needless to say, i've been looking forward to this for weeks.

i wish we could have a videographer. hopefully there will be a photographer. and yes, i will sing one of her songs while i'm there. 

after i process all of it, i should have an interesting tale to show and tell.  in the meantime, i leave you with this rare interview of billie holiday -- from sweden of all places, in 1954.

30 days of birthday - day 11: eat clean!

today is the first day of the clean program -- 21 days to not eat certain things strategically for maximum health benefits and to also spark long term habits. thankfully, i'm not just cleaning out my insides.  i'm building a better life for myself.

i know i need to drink more water and eat less salt and sugar but this is way bigger than that. when it's time to eat, it's a dirty world out there. thanks to the chemicals that are pumped into all kinds of animals that we eat as well as the stuff that's sprayed on genetically engineered fruits and vegetables, and things like peanuts and soybeans (a lot of people don't even know they're allergic to them!), a lot of what we eat can be pretty toxic nowadays, especially when we think it's good for us.  the only real way to figure out how food affects me is to see how my body responds to my not eating it for awhile.

i also like the idea of shutting my stomach down for 12 hours to give my body a chance to heal itself. 

this is my fourth go-round with the clean program -- my second one with mpb -- and the truth is, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm not anticipating too much drama with my digestive system, mostly because i've incorporated a lot of the principles dr. junger teaches into the everyday ordinary moments of my life. i consider myself to be pretty healthy because i don't eat fast food and yet the first time around was a real jolt.  example? i stopped eating wheat gluten and i lost all the bloat and excess in my torso. who knew? since then, no bread, rice, crackers, cookies or pasta. every so often, yes i'll have some if that stuff if hits the table but for the most part i avoid it like the plague -- and i can see and feel a difference. especially in my voice. the same goes for dairy products.

it wasn't like this when i was a kid. in the good old days, i could eat whatever i wanted and hardly ever give it a second thought. but stomachs change. mine did, anyway. this is my way of getting to know myself from the inside out, all over again.  that's why i don't listen to anyone when they tell me what to eat. why should i, when it's my body that's breaking down because of it.

here's a list of all the stuff i CANNOT eat.

Fruit: Oranges, orange juice, grapefruit, strawberries, grapes, banana 
Dairy: Eggs, milk, cheese, cottage cheese, cream, yogurt, butter, ghee, ice cream, non-dairy creamers 
Grains: Corn, Barley, Spelt, Kamut (farrow), Rye, Couscous, Oats, Tritical, Wheat, White Rice,

Meat: Raw fish, Pork, Beef, Veal, Sausage, Cold Cuts, Canned Meats, Hot Dogs, Shellfish, Frankfurters, Kielbasa

Plant based protein: Soybean products (soy sauce, soybean oil in processed foods, tempeh, tofu, soy milk, soy yogurt), Textured Vegetable Protein

Nuts: Peanuts, peanut butter
Vegetables: Corn, Creamed vegetables, Sweet potatoes, Tomatoes, Potatoes, Eggplants, Peppers, (American) Yams
Oils: Butter, margarine, shortening, processed oils, canola oil, salad dressings, mayonnaise, spreads 
Beverages: Alcohol, coffee, caffeinated beverages, soda pop, soft drinks, black or oolong tea, fruit juice (unless it's fresh-pressed)

Sweeteners: Agave, Refined sugar, white/brown sugars, honey, maple syrup, high fructose corn syrup, evaporated cane juice, Splenda®, Equal®, Sweet’N Low®, molasses

Condiments: Chocolate, most Jam & Jellies (made with sugar), ketchup, relish, chutney, soy sauce, barbecue sauce, teriyaki, Bragg's Amino Acids, other condiments


Other Foods / Extended List:
Farro (wheat)
Goji Berries (nightshade)
Bulgar (gluten) - Tabouleh
Sprouted Wheat (Wheat-grass & Buckwheat are the only wheat allowed!)
Plantains
Gum (unless natural & organic, there are some made with stevia)
Breathmints
Udon Noodles

...and here's a list of the stuff i CAN eat!

Fruit: Whole fruits, unsweetened, frozen or water-packed, diluted natural juices

(Acai Berries, Apple, Apricot (fresh), Blackberry, Blueberry, Cantaloupe, Cherry, Coconut, Fig (fresh), Huckleberry, Kiwi, Kumquat, Lemon, Lime, Loganberry, Mango, Melon [Honeydew / other], Mulberry, Nectarine, Papaya, Peach, Pear, Pineapple, Pomegranate, Prune, Raspberry, Watermelon)

Note:  All fruits are preferred to be fresh and organic as well as local and in season whenever possible.  Dried fruits are okay in moderation but be aware that they are still very high in sugars (albeit natural sugars).  You can also reconstitute them by soaking in water to add moisture content back in which will cut down on their often constipating effects.

Dairy Substitutions: Coconut milk, Nut milks such as Almond milk, Brazil Nut milk, Hazelnut milk (unsweetened), Hemp Seed milk, Rice (whole grain, brown rice)
Note: Rice milk is the most processed of the dairy substitutes and often sweetened. Other dairy substitutes preferred.

Grains: Amaranth, Buckwheat, Millet, Quinoa, Rice: (brown, red, black, wild), Teff, Tapioca

Meat: (Cold water ocean fish): Anchovies, Cod, Haddock, Hake, Halibut, Mackerel, Ocean Char, Pollack, Sardines, Sole, Trout, Tuna, Wild Pacific Salmon, Striped Bass; (Wild Game): Bison, Buffalo, Chicken, Duck, Elk, Lean [grass-fed] Lamb or Goat, Pheasant, Quail, Rabbit, Turkey, Venison

Plant-based Proteins: Hemp Protein, Legumes and Beans (all except soy [Cannelini, Chickpeas, Chinese Long bean, Black, Black-eyed Peas, Fava, Kidney, Lima, Mung, etc.]), Lentils (brown, red, green, yellow, French), Pea or Brown Rice protein, Split peas

Nuts/Seeds: Almond, Brazil Nut, Cashew, Chia, Hazelnut, Hemp, Nut and Seed butter, Macadamia Nuts, Pecan, Pine nut, Pistachios, Pumpkin, Sesame, Sunflower, Flax, Poppy, Walnut


Vegetables: Preferably fresh, raw, steamed, sautéed, juiced, roasted

(Artichoke, Arugula, Asparagus, Avocado, Bamboo shoots, Beet & beet greens, Bok Choy, Broccoflower, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbage, Carrot, Cauliflower, Celery, Chicory, Chive, Cucumber, Dandelion, Endive, Jicama, Kale, Kohlrabi, Leek, Lettuce [red or green leaf & Chinese], Okra, Olive [rinse well], Onion, Parsnip, Pickle*, Radish, Ramp, Red leaf chicory, Rutabaga, Snow peas, Spinach, Sprouts [all], Squash: winter & summer, Swiss chard, Taro, Turnip, Watercress, Yucca, Zucchini

• Vegetable protein: split peas, lentils, and legumes, bee pollen, spirulina, and blue-green algae

Bread & Baking Baking soda, Baking powder (non-aluminum), Gluten & Yeast-free Bread, Quinoa flakes, Rice Bran

Flours: Amaranth, Arrowroot powder, Brown Rice, Coconut, Chestnut, Garbanzo Bean, Millet, Sorghum,  Tapioca, Teff

Oils: Almond, Coconut, Cold-pressed Olive, Flax, Hazelnut, Macadamia, Palm, Pumpkin, Safflower, Sesame, Sunflower, Truffle, Walnut
Note: Please make sure oils are unrefined, extra virgin, non-GMO, organic, cold-pressed, etc. (especially in food that you aren’t preparing, yourself!)

Beverages: Coconut water, Filtered or Distilled Water, Green tea, Herbal teas, Kombucha (unsweetened), Seltzer or Mineral Water (sparingly - best to avoid), Spring water, Twig tea, White teas, Yerba Maté

Sweeteners:  Stevia, Coconut Nectar, Yacon, Whole/Fresh Fruit, Dried Fruit (sparingly), Monk Fruit

Condiments: All spices, Agar Agar, Backing Soda, Baking Powder (sparingly), Basil, Carob, Cinnamon, Coconut Amino Acids, Cumin, Dill, Dried Pepper (sparingly), Fish Sauce (sugar-free), Garlic, Ginger, Miso, Mustard, Nama Shoyu, Nutritional Yeast, , Oregano, Parsley, Raw Cacao, Rosemary, Sea Salt, Tamari (Wheat-free only), Thyme, Turmeric, Vinegar (Apple cider, Balsamic, Coconut, Red wine (sulfide-free), Rice, Tarragon, Ume plum), Whole Fruit Jam or Jelly (sugar-free),

Spices: Allspice, Anise, Basil, Bay leaf, Caraway seeds, Cardamom, Carob, Celery seeds, Cinnamon, Clove, Coriander, Cumin, Dandelion, Dill, Dry mustard, Fennel, Garlic, Ginger, Mint, Nutmeg, Oregano, Parsley, Raw Chocolate (sugar- & dairy-free), Rosemary, Saffron, Sage, Salt-free herbal blends, Savory, Sea salt, Stone-ground Mustard (watch for added sugar), Tamarind, Tarragon, Thyme, Turmeric, Vanilla extract (pure),

Sea Vegetables/Seaweed: Arame, Dulse, Hijiki, Kelp, Wakame

Noodles/Pasta: Brown rice pasta, 100% Buckwheat noodles, Glass Noodles, Kelp noodles, Mung Bean (Thread) Noodles, Pho (With no MSG), Shirataki Noodles (*soy free)

Other:
Mushrooms: all (sparingly)
Wheatgrass
Puffed brown rice
Puffed millet
Rice crackers

30 days of birthday - day 10: a birthday fete!

"in a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy." - jenny holzer

Untitled, a photo by queenesther on Flickr.

30 days of birthday - day 9: incognegress

i've got a ton of unfinished work -- recordings, scripts, treatments and performance art -- that i'd like to complete within the next year. that, along with graduate school at nyu, potential workshops and artist-in-residency programs, on camera work and going on the road now and then means that i will be incognegress for the next year or so.  right now feels like a celebratory moment, of sorts -- the calm before the storm. i can pause and reflect and relax, and enjoy my friends and mpb, and thank God for all of it. its a beautiful life. i am truly blessed.

making art isn't tricky for me. i just open up and let it out.  i've never had writer's block or anything that would even remotely resemble it. there's always an avalanche of ideas overwhelming me at any given moment. i'd do a lot more if i had the money to pull it all off, but i suppose that's what any artist would say. 

this fall, i will be crazy busy. i will disappear into my work. it will be grand. and i will be gone. if i'm lucky, i will stay gone long enough to finish what i've started -- and who knows how long that'll take.

30 days of birthday - day 8: guilty tv pleasures

i watch way too much television. i tell myself that i'm doing research as an actor because i have to watch what's on to know what's up in terms of casting and where i might fit in.  and it's true -- that's why i can write off my cable bill on my taxes.  i certainly don't watch as much as i used to when i was a little kid. but too much is too much. there are moments when i have to make myself leave my apartment and run a few miles, just so i can get away from the history channel. i've got some cool books coming to me before the end of the month, so that'll be a handy distraction.

i present these shows in no apparent order of course -- and with the express understanding that i am slightly addicted to the discovery channel, the history channel and the food network. so much to learn, so little time.

first up? celebrity ghost stories - seriously, i can't get enough of this show.  usually at night, right before i go to bed.



the second show i can't get enough of? the first 48 hours. if i had absolutely no talent whatsoever as a performer, i'd be a medical examiner.  every dead body is filled with clues.  they're as much of a detective as anyone in law enforcement. it's all just one gigantic jigsaw puzzle, putting all the pieces together to solve a murder.



then again, maybe i'd be a food historian. everyone is a chef these days. it's become so pedestrian. i'd want to know where everything comes from, what it all means, how it all fits together.  this spice, that vegetable.

last but not least? chelsea lately, starring chelsea handler. basically, she's this middle aged breezy blonde, a self-professed alcoholic who shoots her mouth off at random. and that's entertaining enough, i suppose.  she's obviously a hard worker and she's worth a lot of money.  good for her. for some reason, though, i began to pay attention whenever she would interview someone, probably because the dynamic was so stark, thanks to ms. handler's abrasiveness. its always interesting to see which starlets take control of the interview and knew how to handle her -- and which ones she simply runs over.

i also love the way ms. handler ran through 50 cent so thoroughly, he won't even discuss their relationship or the anatomy of what happened.  on the other hand, she talks about it whenever she feels like it.  this from the guy that takes a great deal of pleasure in denigrating women.

who doesn't love the hoff? what a showman...! 

30 days of birthday - day 7: byron lars

too many fashion designers have teams of minions, underlings, associates and co-horts that dedicate themselves to their fearless leader's vision, whipping together much of what floats down the runway each season. they are nameless and faceless, these hard workers. all too often, they are the ones who do the heavy lifting, only to watch said fashion designer sign and claim their clever idea. celebrity fashion designers are especially guilty of this -- everybody's got one! -- but who can blame them? it's a billion dollar industry and if you're popular, it's a more money situation.

byron lars is one of the only designers on the planet that actually puts pen and ink to paper and creates his own work. what he comes up with, season after season, is drop dead brilliant. anyone with half a brain in the industry knows that this is true.  the fact that he's a black man makes all of this even more salient. he is living proof that talent will out -- sometimes in spite of yourself or your circumstances.

there. i said it.

imagine my surprise when i met byron lars years ago after a gig at joe's pub and found out that he was a fan of my work.  he was there, time and again -- in the audience and swing dancing! -- way back when i was singing with the yalloppin' hounds, wearing vintage cocktail dresses and high heeled sneakers topped with a nigerian gele or a proper cloche hat or whatever else i could get my hands on. i figured no one was paying any attention to me anyway, so i may as well present myself the way i want and say what i want and do what i want. strangely, byron was paying attention. how cool! it's been a mutual admiration society ever since.

knowing him is a beautiful gift.

i love to wear his dresses because they are so tailored and womanly. they radiate confidence and elan in the most feminine way imaginable -- which, for me, is the ultimate powerhouse move. so many never realize this until its too late: as a woman, you are at your strongest when you are at your most feminine, whatever that is. you wearing men's clothing could be the thing that makes it pop in your world. or dressing up like an edwardian widow. i mean, seriously. whatever. we are all finding our way to it.

here's byron's beautiful wiggle dress i wore for the harlem stage 30th anniversary gala a few weeks ago. 

i once read a statement diane von furstenberg (another personal favorite!) made in 1972 that, along with that fabled wrap dress (which is hanging in the smithsonian, by the way) turned everything upside down in the fashion industry for some reason: feel like a woman, wear a dress. that pretty much sums it up for me. you might find me in a pair of jeans because i'm on my way to an audition or a pair of shorts because i can't box in a skirt (or can i?) but for the most part, i don't wear pants because i think diane is right.

every once in awhile, byron will spring a dress on me but the truth is, i'm always trolling the internet for his stuff.  everyone else is looking at porn. i'm looking for pie crust recipes and wiggle dresses. *sigh.* every once in awhile, i'll get lucky. this was the banner score of the moment: a long sleeved, striped, rayon/poly/spandex stretch blend wiggle dress with tulle overlay - new with tags. and NOT crazy expensive. whoopee!

"...happy birthday to me...!"

30 days of birthday - day 6: billie holiday

 i'm always giving myself books. today is no exception.

because of the billie holiday project  -- my show i'm writing/rewriting/reworking -- and the new idea i'm growing with dancer/choreographer francesca harper, my research on billie holiday continues. i've ordered yet another bio, another comprehensive box set and at the moment i'm listening to billie holiday: lady sings the blues, a beautiful npr jazz profiles documentary. i'm not necessarily digging for new information. i just want to be able to  read everything that's available. i'm constantly cross-referencing whatever i find against what i know and what i'm discovering. most importantly, i know that all of it will inform everything i create on this subject.



here's the npr documentary if you'd like to listen along with me, with nancy wilson navigating the listener through songs and interviews and all kinds of fascinating moments -- and abby lincoln as billie holiday herself, reading sections from her autobiography.

30 days of birthday - day 5: venus in transit

for nearly 7 hours starting at 6:09pm est today, venus passes directly between the earth and the sun. this transit will reoccur on december 11, 2117. no one alive on the planet will ever see this again, so i consider this to be a very special birthday moment.

if you don't have the right protective goggles to see it for yourself (a welder's helmet, maybe!), you can follow the live stream below for updates.

time to think about love and relationships.


Live stream videos at Ustream

30 days of birthday - day 4: june is black music month!

i have always believed that we africans of the diaspora have way more in common than we would probably dare to imagine.  music is just one of the many ties that bind us.  when i was in college, i loved juju music because it sounded so much like go-go music.  i met a lot of nigerians who agreed with me. i got to see king sunny ade when i was an undergrad in austin texas at the fabled liberty lunch. that was epic. one churning percussive groove after another, with absolutely no end in sight. he literally wore out the audience.  and so did the dancers. the only shows that i have ever seen that matched such heavy grooves so relentlessly (and that went on for so many hours, the audience left!) was parliament funkadelic.

when i fancied myself a budding journalist, i interviewed chief twins 77 for the campus' black student newspaper the griot. that was kind of a hoot. he was sitting there like a pasha, resplendent in these beautiful flowing robes and surrounded by musicians and dancers, and there were all these white people flipping out over his artwork, which was substantial.  one piece after another drifted past us as we chatted, with gobs of cash money changing hands and a lot of introductions and bowing from the white people and what not.  i didn't throw any cash around. nor did i bow.  at one point, he said that  i was a very pretty african girl. he said it flatly, in this really declarative way. he seemed to be genuinely surprised by this.  i have no idea why.

and then there was that time when that percussionist from chief ebenezer obey's juju band blurted out a marriage proposal instead of hello when he was introduced to me. he was beautiful, with a near perfect smile and deep scars layered across both of his cheeks. when i told him i'd seriously consider it if he gave me his talking drum -- an instrument that women are not allowed to play, under any circumstances -- he looked visibly stricken and scoffed loudly in his native language. later after he spent the evening onstage watching me dance, he reconsidered, joining me and my friends to dance with me.  eventually he returned to the stage and let me have the drumstick in this grand sweet gesture, declaring to the audience that he was going to take me home to his tribe. everyone clapped and screamed except me.

good times.

and no, i'm not a dancer. but when i was in the girl scouts, we had a black troop leader that was all about africa and black power and the soul in everything. i can recall many things we did for the community that involved african dance presentations with live drums and percussion. (one harvest dance in particular comes to mind.) it was a wonderful way to teach us about african culture and, in so doing, relate it to who we are as african-americans.  so when i dance, it's either jazz tea social dances from the 20s (boardwalk empire!), the lindy from the 30s or african dance. that's all i got!

needless to say, i forgot that june is black music month.  and because of chuck brown's untimely demise, juju and go-go have been on my mind and my stereo. for anyone who paused to wonder why the black side of dc grieved collectively last month when chuck brown -- grammy-award nominated guitarist/performer/legend and godfather of go-go -- passed away, the documentary below should set you straight.





...and this is a short informative documentary about juju music that explains it so succinctly, i wish i could use it to wallpaper my virtual world.

30 days of birthday - day 3: "...my backpack's got jets..."

i must say, i was profoundly disappointed that darth vader wasn't in attendance ad nauseum at the philly comic con. (i love that negro!)  actually, there was a dearth of star wars characters in general. everybody was way too busy flipping out over the avengers. lots of shirtless green children running around in flip flops. occasionally some little misfit from where the wild things are would pop up with a crown on his head, but no. no storm troopers storming the crowds. no straight guys with heavy duty facial hair dressed as princess leia. and no -- no darth.

thankfully, all was not lost. i did find boba fett.

don't be fooled. that gun was bigger than me. and his outfit looked real. a little too real, if you ask me. *sigh*

just in case you have absolutely NO idea who boba fett is, here's my favorite mc chris video that explains it all for you -- fett's vette. the first one has a vignette in the front that the drama queen in me just gushes over whenever i see it.

this one is just a straight up music video but the dancing sequences in it are so 1980s solid gold miss-jackson-if-you're-nasty, it's kind of irresistable, too.

i've had my star wars moments before, people. at this point, i'm way too much of a lady geek to not have a photo op with all of them eventually. (and yes, i'm STILL annoyed that i missed chewbacca yesterday.)

 stay tuned.

30 days of birthday - day 2: hair apparent

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." - Carl Jung

Source: instagr.am via Queen on Pinterest

a bigger part of self-love and self-acceptance for me was coming to terms with understanding and appreciating my hair in its natural state. once upon a time, this hair felt like a curse. once upon a time, everything around me -- advertisements, pop culture, other black people -- seemed to confirm this. my hair was its own entity, a second person in my equation of me as individual. even my mother would call me and ask about my hair, as though it were someone else. what i did with my hair had everything to do with the way the world treated me. straighten it and somehow i was something akin to normal. let it go natural and i was a renegade, a dangerous and unpredictable element.  everything about my character was suspect and for some strange reason, i was considerably less attractive.

everythimg changed when, as a cast member of RENT, i was required to bleach the tips of my already short permed hair. it promptly fell out, of course.  in clumps. in a dream, i saw myself on stage in a silver lame gown, playing a silver national steel guitar that gleamed in the spotlight. there were cameras swinging around me. i stood alone, on a platform. i didn't own a silver national steel guitar, nor did i know how to play one. but that hair was kind of fantastic. i had to have it.

what was especially interesting was that my hair was done up in bantu knots, a style that i had never seen before. unable to find it in black hair care magazines (surprise!) i promptly went to a natural hair salon in midtown and described the hairstyle to all the specialists. only ONE of them knew what i was talking about - michelle london. i stuck with her like glue until she moved to philly a few years ago. she introduced me to chrissy j and the rest is history.

the thing is, the bantu knots are no longer enough. i want long natural hair. the thing is, we as black women have been taught that we can't have long hair unless we have dreadlocks -- and NOTHING could be further from the truth. i know that it will take years to get there, but thanks to the love, attention and good kind treatment i've been giving it, i'm off to a flying start. now that there is a wave of naturalistas out there and so many of us are transitioning away from permed/relaxed/chemically treated hair, it's easy to find community, information and advice on the internet. (and there's a TON of it.) natural hair is BIG business -- its funny how far off the mark the major beauty retailers/suppliers are on this one.

as it turns out, my hair really is its own entity. instead of ripping at it out of anger and frustration the way i used to, because it wasn't the hair i was "supposed" to have (and what was that, anyway?), i take a day or two (or three if necessary) to detangle, wash and deep condition it.  i am shocked and amazed by how patient i am. then again, love is patient -- so there you have it.

truth be told, i've become a product junkie (just became a vip member of curlbox and i'm about to join curlkit - yaaay!) and an alchemist of sorts, blending oils and such into the just right concoction for my hair and  experimenting constantly to see what works best for me from season to season.

if you are a naturalista like me or just curious, here's a listing of my top ten favorite sites. enjoy!

1. long hair, don't care - "the audacity to grow long hair"
2. black girl with long hair - "celebrating the dopeness of long hair"
3. curlynikki - "hair therapy"
4. be a think and grow chick! - (vlog) i love this sister. she is all about it!
5. think and grow chick! - the blog
6. coloured beautiful - the vlog
7. mahogany curls! - (vlog) i love this sister, too! she's a wonderful teacher.
8. naturallyobsessed.net - "a celebration of beauty, style and fly hair by kinkykurlyqueen" and it is!
9. natural hair community - a clearinghouse of information about natural hair
10. afroniquely you! - "you are intended to be: unique, free, beautiful!"

i've got a wall of guitars now, by the way. and silver lame seems to suit me...

30 days of birthday - day 1: gratitude

somehow, having some sort of a celebratory moment on the day of my birth -- june 30th! -- was never really enough.  awhile ago, i let it bleed all over the entire month, which isn't nearly as messy as it sounds -- but it can definitely be way too much fun.  the unfortunate truth is that sometimes, i have to plan my fun, just to make sure i'm getting enough of it.

my good time missive starts today, so help me jesus.

more than anything else, i am grateful to God for my life.  every single day that i wake up healthy and focused, in my right mind, overwhelmed with great ideas and the ability to make cool art is a precious gift from God that i can't take for granted.  every day is a gift.

apparently, i'm not finished yet. what's next?

this explains everything! (but not really...)

i know i'm going to sound like a gigantic hippie and no i don't believe in this stuff wholeheartedly but i'm going to say it anyway: venus is in retrograde from may 15 to june 27.  that retrograde action is a strange thing. every 20 months for about 6 weeks, the planet venus appears to be going backwards from our earthly perspective. 

here's where the rubber hits the road: retrograde motion means that everything pulls back and gives you a chance to deal with the area of your past that involves that particular planet. venus represents love and beauty, so that means if there are unresolved issues in your love life, they may resurface now.  circumstance is literally taking you back to the past, to deal with it and move on.  i'm thinking, i dealt with this stuff already. but if i had, it wouldn't be resurfacing, now would it.

this may explain why i'm running into certain people right now, why i can't stop thinking about certain people right now, why certain people are contacting me right now, why i'm insisting on reaching out to certain people right now and why certain people can't seem to connect with me right now.

ew.


it also kicks up a lot of dirt in your current relationships -- if there is any.

there's way more, of course. read all about that here and here, if you feel like it. the bottom line is, if you deal with your junk, you will grow exponentially. but that's true no matter what.

"Not being beautiful was the true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources. The pretty girl has a handicap to overcome." -- Golda Meir

sorry i've been so incognegress on this blog. i've been having slam dancing alone for the past few weeks.  it has been glorious.  somehow all of the percussive reconnecting and shutting down and running around and thinking too much shook quite a bit loose, thus inducing a dreamlike state of play that has allowed me to create and rethink and wander aimlessly internally, spinning yarns in this lackadaisical way that is more focused and intense than anything i'd try to muster if i sat still and tried and tried and tried. 

everything is so beautiful. there is so much love in the world. i am entranced by the wonder of it all. i'm sure that things will turn ugly but even that will have its own beauty to explore and demolish.  in the meantime, i will continue to tell stories, whether i'm singing or not.

now and always, the sun will shine within me. same as it ever did. something inside of me will continue to bloom and grow beneath the clear expansive sky in my southern soul.  it simply can't be helped.

at the moment, i'm gearing up for some serious fun.

since my birthday is in june, i've decided that all 30 days should have a celebratory event of epic proportions.  i've got to make appointments here and there but for the most part, this will be fairly spontaneous. that alone makes me just a wee bit giddy.  i have every intention of documenting all of it here.

one thing is certain: i will take risks.

and now is right on time

i've come such a long way to get to where i am now. it seems so random at first glance but every haphazard thing has happened for a very specific reason. all those solo shows i wrote and performed with so much joy and ease as i worked one crummy corporate day job after another.  singing with big bands.  my texas years.  my grandma says i would make up stories and act them out all over the place when i was no taller than her knee -- and here i am, making up stories and acting them out all over the place. have i really come all the way back around to where i was when i started? or did i ever really get up and go? maybe everything shifted and moved around me and i'm the same as i ever was, when i was three or four or so.  i can't tell from here.

sometimes the curtain is pulled back and i get to see a little more of the bigger picture than i thought i would. that's what happened last week during the performance residency at the apollo theater.

there was a moment when i literally lived through the rush and flow of my dreams coming true.  for once, it wasn't something that i realized later in a random meditative pause or an epiphany that hit me in the head like a hard pillow, or floated over my head like an imaginary light bulb, glowing with the promise of a good idea. because that's what usually happens. usually everything zooms by, like a fast train.  it's over and i'm overwhelmed and i don't know what happened. but not this time.  this time was fast and slow, like peckinpah. i could feel it all rip right through me and hit me before i hit the ground running and falling all at once.  to be in midair and to sing and to feel and to fall and to rise and to fall again. to stay on the ground and never touch the ground at all. it stayed that way. i think everybody got lifted.

i'm so happy, so relieved, so grateful. really elated that everyone embraced this new idea and wanted more. and i feel justified. i'm making the art that i want to see in the world -- art that empowers black women, employs black people and uplifts the race.

so now what.

now the world rushes in. gigs and money, off and on and on and on. dental work and oral surgery and pain most unholy and drugs drugs drugs -- thank you Jesus for the drugs.  on camera work.  guitar practice. voice lessons.  eating clean.  running in the morning to wake my body up.  boxing in the evening to wear myself out.  the steam room, the sauna.  losing enough weight to get back into not some but all of my summer clothes. copy editing from my couch, in my underwear.  wearing short wigs to hide my whoa, it's getting longer! beautiful natural hair. writing and rewriting, over and over again.  mental health days and beauty days and errand days and harlem nights.  soaking endlessly at spa castle.  finishing my album.  graduate school at nyu/tisch.  drunken tea parties and bar hopping uptown. long hangs with black girls who really know what's up. making art with francesca harper. live shows and burlesque and dim sum, oh my!

and as the world turns, i will work on the billie holiday project all over again and wait for another break in the ice. because a bigger part of what it means to make art is to wait. it's what i do while i wait that really matters.

The Billie Holiday Project 3.0 - a few thoughts...

although brad learmonth of harlem stages instigated all of this with an invitation for me to fuse billie holiday and zora neale hurston and perform at lenox lounge for the very first harlem jazz shrines, i felt compelled to take it further when i read zora's newly discovered harlem based short stories. i think farrah griffin knew what she was sparking up when she gave them to me. they didn't just speak to me -- they felt like some other part of me that i didn't know was there. i knew those people, i recognized them. all of me fell into those pages and got lost, wandering in and out of their lives.

it was a beautiful moment of discovery, to glimpse more of zora -- someone whose work is so fresh and unexpected and new with every read. these newly discovered stories haven't seen the light of day in more than 70 years. all of a sudden, the literary world shifts and realizes that perhaps they didn't really know her as well as they thought they did. if they are ever published and widely distributed, the rest of the world will, too.

i began toying with the idea of doing an album of billie holiday's rare sides when i started collecting various box sets of her work awhile ago and unhinging her earlier material. there was a ton of it. i already read and researched enough to know that she was more than the torchy, brooding victim in a gown at the mercy of a heroin needle with a heavily scented flower in her hair. everyone seems to recognize that image instantly and cling to it in this sometimes really insufferable way. like she couldn't possibly be anything else. in those box sets, i heard everything else -- ambivalence about love, so much hope and yearning, a good time girl and yes, sometimes even a sunshiny disposition that positively bounced with joy. great tunes, too. where was the tragic victim? why hadn't i ever met this billie holiday before?

to tell you the truth, i don't really listen to jazz vocalists. what i mean is, i certainly know who they are and what they sound like. i've done my homework, extensively. however -- when it comes to growing and refining my sound and my style, i listen to horn players because frankly, that's what those jazz vocalists did. and then i reach for my own ideas in the moment. louis armstrong sounds like a horn when he sings. he's not imititating another singer that's imitating a horn. he's not imitating anyone. but i digress.

i created the billie holiday project because i wanted to make the kind of art that i'd like to see in the world. i want my blackgrrl stories to be told -- and judging by the sold out run at the apollo theater this weekend, there's someone out there that would like to see them, too.

i hope that this will be the first of many performance moments -- for this idea and others. please stay tuned.

Great news, sports fans!

I just found out a few weeks ago that I got accepted to NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts MFA program – dramatic writing for musical theater. It’s a two year program, it is intense and it would mean fully immersing myself in the creative collaborative process. If all goes well, I’ll start in the fall. It’s a real kick in the head, just knowing that I made the cut and I’m bright enough and talented enough to be a part of such an illustrious program. I feel especially grateful – and sweetly relieved.
The application process was harrowing, in a way. Once I completed all of the paperwork (which was as thick as a small town phone book, and no I’m not exaggerating), there was an applicant’s weekend where we were arbitrarily paired off, librettists with composers, and asked to write a five minute script to song in a day from a list of about 10 prompts. yes, that’s right – we had ONE day, more or less. we met on friday evening, worked on our idea saturday and presented on sunday at high noon.
The process was unexpected, for me at least, but I totally get it now. The faculty needed to see us work under pressure as strangers because that’s pretty much what we’ll be doing in the program. You can’t necessarily teach someone how to collaborate – and collaboration is the absolute backbone of what they do there. It’s a bigger part of what creating a musical is all about.
That was trippy – sitting in the lounge area that Friday evening, listening to everyone introduce themselves and unravel their stories: where they were from, how they got here from there, what their lives were like, their hopes and dreams. It felt like the first day of school. Or something.
It helped a great deal that I got really lucky with my random choice when I was paired with Benjamin Gammerman, a recent NYU graduate from Long Island. He was pretty much bubbling over with snippets of little ditties at all times. He’s the kind of guy that can turn anything into a song. Not only that but he was open, friendly and willing to start working right away. An added bonus was that we both have pianos (in case we got stuck and couldn’t get to the rehearsal studios) but the real kicker was that he lived four blocks away from me.
Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn’t luck at all. God threw me a bone.
I don’t mind putting my life on hold to pull this off, if I must. I’m already writing musicals. This week has me in Harlem’s iconic Apollo Theater for a performance residency that will culminate in 2 performances this weekend. One of them is already sold out. (No pressure…)
I have always believed in having something solid and meaningful to show for my time, especially in a place like New York City, where one can burn through time exponentially without even realizing it. Two years goes by in this city in a matter of months. I have friends who are already figuring out what their options are for retirement, and they’re in their 30s. (Egad.)
The real work with graduate school? Figuring out how to pay for it. Stay tuned.

See more progress on: Go to graduate school