Day 8: A feature in the Village Voice!

GoGirlsMusic Elite member @thisisqueenesther is in the Village Voice this week!  Check it out at http://www.villagevoice.com/music/the-forgotten-architects-of-jazz-and-the-new-york-women-bringing-them-back-8705090 #GoGirlsMusic #queenesther #villagevoice #music #indiemusic #jazz #hotjazz #instagood #instalike #webstagram #webstapick

A photo posted by Queen Esther (@thisisqueenesther) on Jun 8, 2016 at 1:23pm PDT

Every day of my birthday month means another birthday surprise. This one -- getting a feature in The Village Voice -- is pretty cool. 

Yes, tickets are still available for the Jazz Age Lawn Party. See you there!

Day 6: Mouth Wide Open - Literary Open Mic, 6/8!

Looking forward to reading some fresh new flash fiction at this event on Wednesday at Jimmy's No. 43. I'm grateful that the organizers are kind enough to include me. This feels good, all this writing I'm doing -- not just songs, either. I'm revisiting essays and short stories I wrote and sifting through them all over again and that's bringing forth a slew of new ideas. They spin out of me in this effortless way and I pick them up, like seashells on a beach. I've never had writer's block, thank God.  I was and still very much am a procrastinator, which is probably why I love a deadline. Quite often, that's the thing that gets it done.

I love words. Writing came so easily to me when I was a kid, I took it for granted. The rest of my life has been running me over for so long and in every direction imaginable, that I never thought I could lean on writing, that it could be as promising or as fulfilling as performance.

Having a chill downtown literary moment will be the calm before a very busy weekend of Black Americana at Jalopy on Friday night with my beautiful band The Blue Crowns and of course singing my heart out at the Jazz Age Lawn Party on Saturday. I have to go back on Sunday to dance -- and of course try to win the pie contest..!

Maybe I'll read Chicken Lips...!

The Next (Black Americana) Gig: WFUV's On Your Radar, July 14th!

NEWSFLASH: I'll be playing WFUV's On Your Radar series at Rockwood Music Hall on Tuesday July 14th with Jon Regen and Flagship Romance. Doors open at 6:30pm, show starts at 7 PM.  Tickets are $12. My band and I are on at approximately 7:40pm for a 30 minute set of Black Americana featuring songs from my latest critically acclaimed release The Other Side. 

Tickets and info are available online HERE. You can catch Jon Regen and myself performing live on WFUV's Sunday Breakfast, hosted by John Platt, on Sunday 7/12 at 10:30 AM. Listen HERE.

What the critics are saying: 

"This album is amazing. And very difficult to classify. Can you imagine a black Lucinda Williams? Not like when she plays the blues torn from her first albums, no. A black Lucinda Williams in pop, rhythm, blues and even gender roots Americana. So it sounds, if you can imagine such a hodgepodge somehow, the latest album from this brutal, original, explosive singer." -- Vanity Fair 

"Our admiration for Queen Esther is almost beyond measure." -- Rootstime (Belgium)

"It’s the melancholy country cuts that Queen Esther excels in. 'I’ve Come Undone Again' is a particular highlight; a splendid slice of melancholy country complete with Hank Williams-esque melody and all. 'Love Is a Wrecking Ball' and 'I Feel Like Going Home' are wrought with emotion and are likely the best tracks here." -- Americana UK

"Every song is sung with passion and fire, by this underrated female singer who should be a musical giant." -- Country Music People (UK)

“Queen Esther’s new album The Other Side is unlike anything you’ve heard in recent years…or possibly ever.” -- Muruch 

"The most exciting Afro-Americana release of the year." -- Paste

"Queen Esther's vocals, even at their hardest-rocking, invoke the high-and-lonesome plaintiveness of the honky-tonk bluegrass/rockabilly continuum as much as they do the harsher-timbred blues tradition." -- Living Blues

"A masterpiece of an extremely talented singer/songwriter who can compete with the major players in this field, such as Lucinda Williams." -- Blues Magazine (The Netherlands)

Spring Cleaning, Part One: Swaps!

Time to watch an episode or two of Hoarders for motivation, roll up my sleeves and clean house.



This month, I'm starting with my closets. I'd like to refresh my wardrobe but I don't have the money to fling at every cute outfit I see when I window shop -- and frankly, I've got way too many items that I never wear.

My solution? Swaps! Who knew that you could swap your clean, gently used/not broken stuff -- including housewares and whatnot -- all over Gotham for free? (I didn't!) 

Here's a short list to get you started.

• Stop 'N Swap! Sponsored by grownyc.com, you can show up with that blender you never use -- or come empty-handed and take whatever you need.  (Sounds like hippies to me...!)
• Fashion Swap and Meet is wunderbar -- their last swap featured fashion bloggers.
• Although meetup.com features over a dozen swaps in the New York area (including one for single parents with small kids), Five Boroughs Clothing Swap looks promising. It's members only -- hopefully with others who are as thrifty and fashion-conscious as you are -- it happens six times a year and it's free.
• There's lots of shops that swap, like Thrift Disco and The Frock Shop...
• ...and yep, you can do this online via Swapdom, Swap! and Thread Up.

My solution? A few times a year, there's an extremely private swap amongst maybe a dozen friends that involves a lavish meal, lots of wine and clothes galore.  Whatever gets picked over is donated to a great cause, like a women's shelter.  (My favorite donation spot: The Bottomless Closet.)  And because I know which girlfriend has that pencil skirt I used to love, I can always get it back if I miss it too much.  That's the beauty of swapping with a closed circle of friends: we're all up in some small part of each other's closets.

There's also another seasonal swap amongst friends -- a tea party! with cocktails! and delicious tea cakes and whatnot! wheeeee! -- that's strictly vintage.  All this with regular donations to the Salvation Army means that my closets are actually in pretty good shape these days. And here's a happy bonus: losing this pesky winter weight means that I get to wear all the clothes in my closet, not just the stuff that fits me this week. 

Next month: Zen and The Art of Clearing My Junk Room...!

Queen Esther Sings Billie Holiday -- Minton's in April

Queen Esther Sings Billie Holiday: The Rare Sides
A different program each week!

Every Tuesday in April
Sets at 7:30pm and 9:30pm
$10 at the bar — $20 at the table

Minton’s Harlem
206 W. 118^th St.
for info/reservations 212 243 2222

April 7th    Holiday on Broadway
In honor of Billie Holiday’s centennial (April 7, 1915 – April 7, 2015), Queen Esther recreates the program from Lady Day’s Broadway debut Holiday on Broadway, which opened on April 27th, 1948 in the wake of her first Carnegie Hall appearance.

April 14th   Queen Esther Sings Billie Holiday at Carnegie Hall, 1956: A Refracted Set
Using personal letters, soundbites and interview segments from Lady Day herself, Queen Esther puts a refracted spin on Miss Holiday’s last Carnegie Hall performance, giving the audience a new perspective on the greatest jazz siren of the 20^th century.

April 21^st and 28^th   The Billie Holiday Project
With the relatively unknown yet timeless songs of the iconic siren Billie Holiday as an aural backdrop for several newly unearthed Zora Neale Hurston short stories from the height of the Harlem Renaissance – including Monkey Junk, an uptown “fable” of Black city life and an instant classic – Queen Esther explores new ground by giving this unexplored material a fresh perspective.

This presentation will be followed by a set of rare sides.

The Next Gig: The Sweetheart Soiree - TONIGHT at The Norwood Club!

-->Return to romance at Michael Arenella's Sumptuous Sweetheart Soirée.

For our Soirée's sixth, swoonful year, we again have the pleasure of hosting at the only rendezvous befitting - NORWOOD. "A home for the curious," the landmarked 1847 mansion is a strictly private club. Enjoy a rare opportunity to experience this stylishly bohemian hideaway as our guest.

Whether with an amour, wedded to one you adore, or hoping to meet the one you're looking for, this promises to be an evening of enchantment and delightful intrigue. Plenty of plush seating, room for dancing, artisanal cocktails and an array of delectable hors d'oeuvres and sweets assure a most divine affair.

A passionate programme of entertainment will be featured over four floors of this lavish Victorian manse:
MICHAEL ARENELLA and His Sextet, your devoted host and beloved bandleader
Jazz royalty, QUEEN ESTHER and Her Trio
Tap-dance darlings THE MINSKY SISTERS
Enjoy a dance lesson for both singles and doubles at 9:30PM with
The ever-dapper and undeniable adorable RODDY CARAVELLA
A cheeky portrait in our sweetheart kissing booth with your nibs

Cupid-approved cocktails alongside fabulous wines will be available.
For purchase at three unique bars, complimentary gourmet hors d'oeuvres.
And sweet treats will be featured throughout the evening.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14TH
DOORS AT 9PM
LIVE ENTERTAINMENT FROM 9:30PM - 1AM
ADMISSION: $90
ALL GUESTS MUST BE 21 AND OVER
FORMAL EVENING ATTIRE IS ENCOURAGED.

**ALL TICKET SALES ARE FINAL. NO REFUNDS AVAILABLE** 

WOW -- A German Fairy Tale Map?!?

I'll be in Berlin next month for a spell on an impromptu working vacation that will find me slowing things down to a crawl so I can actually enjoy much of what has only been a blur when I'm  on tour. Although Austria has better food, Germany seems to be having a culinary renaissance that has foodies, world class chefs.

Aside from the Black Forest and my love of Grimm fairy tales, I never longed to spend time in Germany when I was a child.  It seemed so farfetched, that a land of beer, sausages and schnitzel, with lederhosen and lots of Midwestern looking blondes, would have anything I'd want.  In my mind's eye, any city would look like a Fritz Lang movie -- morose, shadowy, heavy. Toss in their Nazi past, the Cold War and Checkpoint Charlie and it all added up to one rather harsh nein!  Europe meant following the footsteps of my ex-pat African-American artist forefathers and mothers, and that meant Paris or perhaps London.  Italy and Spain were much more inviting, more fun. Germany, with its ugly past, wasn't even on the map.

I couldn't have been more right -- or more wrong.

Anthony Bourdain in Berlin Part1 from Torsten Richter on Myspace.

It's much too simplistic and dismissive -- and convenient! -- to point to the Nazi atrocities and say that Germany is a horrible place.  The truth is, every country in the world has a repulsive past -- especially the European countries that some tend to idolize.  Beautiful, idyllic Spain has Cortes -- otherwise known as Cortez the Killer -- the conquistador who brought down the Aztec Empire and initiated the colonization of the Americas.  He didn't just rape, murder and pillage millions, either: it's estimated that during his siege, smallpox wiped out at least 25% of the population -- more than 3 million people.  We have plenty to ignore -- 400 years of slavery, tens of millions of Africans lost during the Middle Passage, Native American genocide.  At least Germany acknowledges its past -- and atones for it.

Africans have apologized for slavery -- so why won't America?

When I mention Berlin these days, I usually find myself in conversation with performers, musicians, writers and thinkers that have found their way to that budding metropolis after years of having worked in New York City to no avail and much success.  Here are a few of the reasons why I'm thinking of exploring the possibility of living there.

1. Germany has become a European powerhouse, economically. They have a 5% unemployment rate -- and that means with more people working, more people are spending. In contrast, Greece and Spain have a 25% unemployment rate overall -- and in Spain, nearly half of those under 30 (the lost generation) are out of work.
2. You can go to graduate school in Germany for free. And believe it or not, most of the classes are in English.
3. It's cheap, fun and full of artists from all over the world.  New York City, in comparison, is extremely expensive, full of dilletantes and not much fun when pretty much all you do is work to pay the rent.

 I've been studying the language, reading about its history and making an extensive itinerary. Let's see what happens.

Isn't this a fun map? I won't follow it this time around but I will keep it in mind as I roam. 

Happy New Year!

I slid sideways into the new year, starting on New Year's Eve Eve when I sang at Lincoln Center to a packed house (with a line out the door, down the street and around the corner!) with the JC Hopkins Biggish Band.

Here we are at a well-attended soundcheck in the Lincoln Center Atrium.

From there, I sprinted downtown to The DL for The Salon's annual New Year's Eve Eve fete. (That was a sold-out situation -- three floors, over 50 performers, two orchestras, lots of burlesque. Crazy.) 
Thankfully, I left after my set so I could sing my heart out at Minton's (which was filled to capacity) with the Biggish the following night.  The band was all the way live.  Truth be told, the party we were having onstage was as hot if not hotter than the party in the room -- or next door at The Cecil, which had its own boogie down going with The Kennedy Administration and their New Year's Eve party, Forgive and Forget. Somewhere in there, Jazzmeia Horn gave birth to a baby girl -- after 40 hours of labor.  (WOW!!!) 

Needless to day, I slept until I could sleep no more. After a long movie with MPB (The Hobbit), a long walk and some righteous, incredibly unpedestrian Chinese food, I felt recalibrated.  I'm shifting my life around in bold ways, shaking new ideas loose and reconfiguring my goals and priorities for the year in weekly/monthly increments. Its easy to get lost in all of the pop and verve in my head if everything is all over the place.

I'm going to start this year by breaking some bad habits and creating new ones. Once upon a time, scientists believed that it took 21 days to create a good habit. As it turns out, it can take anywhere from 2 to 8 months.  A habit takes time to stick and how long that takes depends on the individual, amongst other things.  Commit to the process will have to be my mantra.

The first thing on tomorrow's agenda? Running shoes.

Saturday, 2pm -- A Day of Anger

Tell all your friends and neighbors.

That climate change march, though...

The largest climate march in history happened this week, with 2,808 events in 166 countries --  some guesstimate that well over 400, 000 people took to the streets in New York City alone -- and it was virtually ignored by every major news outlet in this country.  And then the next day, like a proper right cross that should follow any decent left hook, Flood Wall Street happened.

 Here's what they refused to show you. 




Sunday's People's Climate March


Monday's Flood Wall Street

9/11 -- Events in NYC

 

If you'd like to pay your respects in New York City, click here for a list of events.

Harlem Gentrification-itis Blues

Harlem is looking more and more like an outpost for stranded, overly educated Midwestern fashion victims who ought to be background talent for HBO's Girls. Then again, so does the rest of New York City.  I moved uptown to get away from all that.  To (sort of) paraphrase Michael Jackson, I don't want to be where they are -- for a myriad of reasons which should be fairly obvious to anyone that's actually paying attention -- yet for some strange reason, they won't stop following me.   As a slightly intoxicated hipster blurted to me in a Brooklyn bar recently after a breezy chat about everything and nothing, "You're so interesting!"  Hearing him say that made me feel like I just got slimed. More on that some other time.

My favorite moment so far (and yes, I have many) is the one that won't stop happening. At this point, I suppose that makes it a revolving nightmare.  It begins simply enough: I hear about some Harlem hotspot, I show up to check it out and when I walk through the door, the place is filled with white people who look at me as if to say, what the hell are you doing here?  To be honest, yes -- that's what happens just about everywhere I go. Harlem was the one place where that whole staring-at you like-you're-the-one-that's-nuts-while-you-eat-your-roasted-beet-and-goat-cheese-salad thing didn't happen. Well. Not anymore. 

That's right. You heard me. Harlem, an iconic black neighborhood, is no longer a place where a black person can get away from white privilege and entitlement. And that's just one reason of many as to why this place is going straight to hell.

Here's a short segment from therealnews.com about the systematic ethnic cleansing of Harlem by Columbia University's massive expansion and gentrification, and how the city failed the neighborhood.

Winter Bucket List 2013 -- The Harlem Edition (Kwanzaa, Kwanzaa, Kwanzaa!)

Comedy Central

None of the winter bucket lists I see online ever resemble mine. Not that I wouldn't want to go on a carriage ride or make gingerbread houses. That sounds cute but I'm way more likely to be found staying up all night making Kwanzaa presents or sipping my specialty Mexican hot chocolate at a black folk pot luck.

There's no getting away from Christmas once it explodes sometime in the fall (!!!) but the truth is, Kwanzaa has nothing to do with Christmas, it's not religious and it's not an anti-white people holiday alternative. Like a lot of things black folks do, Kwanzaa is something that we do for our selves -- to unite us, to honor our past as African-Americans, our collective history and our ancestors, and to reconnect with our purpose, as individuals and as a community. If white people are down with that and want to participate, hooray. There's always plenty of culture to go around. If not, oh well. It's really not about them.

Kwanzaa is much more fun than Christmas -- and for me, it's very personal. You have to make the gifts you give -- something that stymies a lot of people I know, until they realize that the gift doesn't have to be tangible.  The day you give the gift can infuse it with even more significance. If you're not craftsy, educational gifts are encouraged.  The Kwanzaa gifts I have given are pretty out there, I suppose.  You give what you have. You give who you are. I have been a pretty good wingman, agony aunt and third wheel in times past. I've given a voice lesson and a performance clinic here and there.  Once I even taught a friend how to smother a chicken.  And my pound cakes -- as well as my tomato pies -- are kind of legendary.

There are hard and fast rules but I don't live and die by them. I make them my own. Will you light Kwanzaa beeswax candles? Maybe.  Truth is, my libation ceremony will probably be cocktails with a few sisters at a speakeasy.

Lemmie put it to you this way. Christmas means running around in malls and bouncing around online and buying presents -- and if you run out of ideas or time or patience, Christmas means sending gift cards or cash money. You must send something. Kwanzaa means giving someone something very personal, something that you make with your own hands, something from you that will hopefully resonate with them in some way. You must give of yourself.

Here's a winter bucket list that may look a lot like yours.

1. Get a wreath for your door -- or better yet (in the spirit of Kwanzaa),  make two and give one to a friend. 
2. If you haven't already, it's probably a good idea to start assembling your Kwanzaa presents. (Un)fortunately, (most of) the things I make are edible. This year, I'm getting especially craftsy for a select few. (Finally!)  Otherwise, I'm locked in my kitchen for beef stew (Evan), smothered pork chops (Jane), several quarts of Mexican hot chocolate (you know who you are) and -- of course -- pound cake.
3. Wait until that (Southern) ATL visit and go sit on Black Santa's lap at Greenbriar Mall. You know that's my story.  Black Santa, baby. (More on that here.)
4. You wanna watch a holiday movie? Forget Elf. Watch Bad Santa with a bunch of black folk -- unedited, of course.  You'll laugh so hard, you'll scream.
5. Go to The Apollo Theater's Kwanzaa Celebration: Regeneration Night on Friday, December 27th.
6. Go to American Museum of Natural History's Kwanzaa 2013: 35th Anniversary Celebration on Saturday, December 28th.
7. The dance company Batoto Yetu will celebrate the seven principles of Kwanzaa with movement and festivities at Aaron Davis Hall on Saturday, December 28th.
8. From December 26 - 28, The African Burial Ground has a pretty spectacular Kwanzaa celebration -- the 10th Anniversary Observance of the Rites of Ancestral Return -- that includes short film, visual art, live music and performances that run the gamut from spoken word to The Black Nutcracker. And yes -- all of it is free and open to the public but reservations are required.
9. The Studio Museum in Harlem has Hands On Kwanzaa Celebration -- art making activities and an interactive performance program for kids -- on Target Free Sunday, December 29th.
10. Skip the Bridge and Tunnel crowd, the tourists and the rest of the amateurs and celebrate New Year's Eve Eve instead of New Year's Eve.  (That way, you can enjoy First Night and still have fun with revelers. More on that here.) You can catch me and my jazz quintet The Hot Five at The Player's Club in Grammercy Park on Monday, December 30th for The Salon's annual fete and December 31st for The Player's Club and their New Year's Eve gala.

The Next Gig: New Year's Eve Eve

The party of the season is ON! Get your tickets here.

 

The Day The Music Died

Today in 1980 -- 33 years ago! -- John Lennon was murdered in New York City. For an interview with music critic Greil Marcus, click here.

The Next Gig: Queen Esther sings Billie Holiday at HAF Sessions, 12/12

FYI: I'll be doing a short 30 minute set of Billie Holiday's rare sides for this event, and I'll be accompanied by guitarist Marvin Sewell in one of Harlem's newest hotspots.  (For tickets, click here.)

“The HAF Sessions are an incredibly important part of honoring our commitment to both the artists we work with and the community we serve. Our goal is to establish a continuous presence in curating contemporary work.” JJ El-Far -- Harlem Arts Festival Creative Director, Co-Founder

Why is everyone (talking about) leaving New York City?

(This sounds an awful lot like Lou Reed, doesn't it.)

The other day, someone said offhandedly that New York City was like a 50 year old woman who hasn't realized she isn't 20 anymore. That cut me to the quick -- in part because it meant that I was culpable in some small way by having taken up with such a delusional middle aged broad. I want to believe that there are probably a dizzying array of things that I haven't realized either but the unfortunate truth is, I do realize those things and I'm here, anyway.  I'm not sure what here is -- a modern day purgatory, a self-imposed exile, a bad habit that's eaten up the best years of my life. Or maybe it's just flat-out stupidity.  It's probably all of those things and more.

Every other day, some artist I know goes off on some rant about the death of this city that sparks something in me.  How they have to work a full time job or work freelance, and there's no time or energy left to create anything because the best of you just got squeezed out to pay rent and student loans. How working freelance means that you're at the mercy of a backwards situation -- that is, you're taking the work no one else wants or is able to do. You are grossly underpaid because there's always a recent college graduate who would be happy to do it for less than nothing or better yet, for nothing at all, just so they can get enough experience to climb over you and get ahead, where ever that is. How the best of what you've got has gone into everyone else's creative situation and years into this bone-crushing, soul destroying grist mill of a town, you've got nothing to show for it.

Librettists. Dancers. Musicians. Filmmakers. Graphic artists.  Clothing designers. Stylists. Visual artists of every ilk imaginable. It's like an epidemic of some sort, when everyone gets the flu one by one. You're on the train, someone coughs and the next thing you know, you're in bed for two days. We're all feeling it. We're all experiencing it. We're all aware of it. And no one is doing anything about it. Everytime I turn around, I'm running into someone that let's it blurt.  They're moving to Austin, Texas or they're running off to Berlin or God knows where. And God knows there's always graduate school.  Or a national tour. But those things only prolong the agony.  Eventually, you return and you catch this sickness, just like everyone else.

I ran into a friend on the street -- well-educated, somewhat well-known and struggling like the rest of us -- who went off on a tangent out of nowhere about how impossible it is to find space in the city to sculpt large scale work.  What's obvious by now is that this city is a place for those who are already on top, not the rest of us who have yet to establish ourselves.  Ah, but it wasn't always so.  There used to be room at the table for all of us. Now we sit here, with our bowls extended and our wide open hungry eyes peering into that dark urban abyss, wanting more and not getting it. It's only a matter of time until we go away. Right?

There are others who seem to recognize this -- everyone from twentysomethings who've figured it out already (dig this line from that article: "Why would I want to make it there when I can make it everywhere else?") to David Byrne and Patti Smith and a lot of other people, too.  Everyone isn't just talking about leaving New York City. They're actually leaving. Early and mid-level artists are experiencing a collective grand mal seizure of epic proportions.  All these part time jobs just aren't adding up like they used to do.

This quote from an article in Crains that was published in 2010 pretty much sums it up: Industry experts worry that New York will become a place where art is presented but not made, turning the city into an institutionalized sort of Disney Land. One arts executive says it could become “a Washington, D.C.,” a sterile, planned city with a number of cultural institutions but few artists—certainly not a place known as a birthplace for new cultural ideas and trends.

David Byrne is right.  Take a long walk through any Manhattan neighborhood and you'll see we're well on our way to urban sterilization. The rest of us will eventually see ourselves out.

That New York City Hustle!

This is what it feels like to live and work in New York City as an artist when you aren't a millionaire or a trustafarian or a rock star or otherwise bankrolled comfortably -- from my perspective, anyway.  Nothing ever slows to a complete halt. Everything is on and coming at you and coming on strong and the hustle never, ever stops -- and that's just what it takes to pay the rent. Nevermind what it takes to make art -- that is, if you're the kind of artist that makes art.

(Actually, a hamster on one of those spinning habitrail wheels would have been much more apropo but I couldn't find that gif.)

Let's face it: when rich and famous rock and roll icons like david byrne are threatening to leave the city and a well-established writer like andrew sullivan can't last a year, you'd think someone would sit up and pay attention.  But no.  Something else will have to flip everything upside down. Like everyone leaving, en masse.

What's different nowadays is that I hit the ground running for my projects. If I were sitting by the phone and waiting for it to ring so I'd have work, I'd be running a lot harder than that.  I've been running for so long, it's almost impossible to keep still.

Nimble, aren't I? 

Today's the day, folks.

I don't care who you vote for -- vote.  After all, it's your civic responsibility. You certainly don't have any reason to complain if you don't.

For a comprehensive voter's guide, click here.

13 reasons you're not as successful as you should be.

unbelievable but true: most people don't have goals. i can't imagine living in new york city without them. because of the pace and the pressure and the high cost of living here financially and mentally,  i've always had to have a good reason to stay. i mean a really good reason -- because i like it here or i feel like it was somehow never good enough. 

make no mistake: this place can be hell on earth.  trying and trying and trying and trying and not getting anywhere -- living through that, time and again, has got to be some subset of hell. and for some of us, for a time, that is exactly what it's like to be an artist in new york city. the thing is, you have to put your time in. you have to keep going. or not. i knew a lot of people who hit that wall and went home. i hit that wall and climbed right over it. i just couldn't live with myself if i quit. i'd never know what could have happened. so i kept going.

having time-based goals anchored me. failures made me rethink things and try something new. accomplishing things every day gave me little victories that compelled me to stay the course. and then something gigantic would happen and there would be so much success, even daddy stopped hassling me. and then all of that would die down, and eventually daddy would crank right back up again, which brought me back to square one. 

as it turns out, i had a mindset for success -- and i really had no idea.  i was just trying to survive new york city.

i work extremely hard, sure. hard work is what's required -- and i'm certainly not afraid of it. and yes, i'm highly creative. i'm an artist and i'm harmelodic, so it comes with the territory. creativity helps when it's time to find a new way to unravel an old problem, when i've run out of options, when i need to turn on a dime and make a quick decision. i'm always having to learn new things, usually right when i'm comfortable with what i already know.  sometimes i'm eager to learn but more often than not, it's something that 's foisted on me out of nowhere and i'm freaking out, because i have so much catching up to do. and then i catch up and there's something else to learn, right now. running around with highly creative people who have to change and adapt in a snap helps a great deal. 

the impossibilities start rushing in when i have ideas and no real way to develop them -- no money, no time, no equipment, no nothing.  i don't care. i keep strategizing and thinking my way through it. i keep going. i keep waiting for a crack in the ice. and somehow, that crack happens and i get all the way in there.  success! another victory erupts. and then it's on to the next.

and as if all of that weren't enough, i never, ever, ever give up.

that's the real reason why i'm still in the city. it's not about auditioning and getting the part and doing eight shows a week for months or years on end. it is but it's not. not exactly. i'm not finished with everything that i want to do here, not yet.

this is how new york city infects you. when will i ever not think like this. how can i stop.