everything has become this strange ball of tension in my most relaxed moments that has me jerking myself awake in the middle of the night, in a complete panic. what can i remember? what did i forget? where am i supposed to be? where am i now? all of it swirls together seamlessly until none of it makes any sense. my body reacts for me. arms and legs swinging, i leap out of bed, my heart pounding in my chest like thunder knocking at the door. as God is my witness, i am completely freaked out for about ten seconds. and then its over as abrubtly as it began. i'm standing there in the middle of my bedroom in my mickey mouse underwear, my chest heaving, wishing that i could cry or something, just so i can feel some kind of a release. then i go back to bed and stare at the ceiling for hours until the sun comes up, wishing for sleep to come back to me. that's when everything starts up all over again.
as if all of that weren't bad enough, i ate something this past weekend that left my stomach tangled up with cramps and the runs for what seemed like an eternity and left me feeling queasy. i'm still not fully over it. (i didn't take any medicine for it, because usually that stuff makes me feel worse. i just want it to run it's course.) and i'm never sick, so i'm kind of pissy at myself about the whole thing, like, well how did you get here? but if you ran into me on the street, you'd never know any of this because i'm moving so fast with so much that has to get done, i don't have the wherewithal to deal. all i can think is: just. keep. moving. and then i have a psychobilly freakout in the middle of the night and wonder if my body is starting to turn on me as a way of demanding more "me" time. or something.
i need two or three days of nothing to do but lie in bed and drink bottled water and play guitar and watch adult swim on cartoon central. i need to go for a walk in the woods behind my parents' house, all by myself. i need solace. i need to oversleep. i need some kind of a cure-all fast to wring out whatever filth is inside me. i need to talk to God a lot more often. i need a long hot soak.
but how will i get these things? how will i make time for myself? how will i get through the rest of the week? when i'm not gigging, i have to work late at night (because something has to bankroll all this magic), so i sleep until around noon, hit the gym and then rehearse or audition or go to "go sees" and callbacks in the mid to late afternoon. it's like a wierd treadmill that won't slow down. and i can't get off of it. today, rehearsal with the band, work from 7pm - 3am. tomorrow, soundcheck at 5:30pm. the videographer and his crew arrive for the first of what will be three nights of taping. friday, i leave for texas. we'll arrive by 5:30pm, fight traffic to soundcheck by 6:30pm, do the gig at the cactus cafe 8pm. on saturday, i'm doing a liveset taping for kut/austin that they'll air later in july and then i'm going to drive to la grange to do two semi-short sets for what promises to be a sold out night at the bugle boy cafe, a roadhouse in the middle of town.
sunday, of course, is juneteenth. thank God i'll be in texas when it happens so i can really enjoy it.
and now i'm making a list of all the stuff i need before i go: suntan lotion. a pair of shades. some wedges. a pedicure, a little cash. (i can do my hands later. they never get it right. i want extremely short nails on the left hand and a regular length on the right.) it's going to be hotter 'n hell!!! what am i going to wear? will my stomach stop flipping out long enough to hold down a decent sized pulled pork sandwich by sunday? don't forget to charge that palm pilot -- and put the city of austin on my vindigo so we can get around, if we want to (even though, as former austinites, we pretty much already know how to do that). don't forget to bring a huge bottle of water on the plane, so your throat doesn't dry out. don't forget to call everyone in texas, like big al gilhausen and tinez and roach and linda wetherbee and everyone at esther's follies. don't forget to take the cellphone charger. don't forget to get a map of texas when we get to the airport. and whatever you do -- don't forget the vitamins.
oh, yeah. this is going to be easy...