Friday, June 24, 2005

he dumped me

usually i don't like to rag on and on about my love life because frankly there's nothing to tell. things got pretty lackluster awhile ago and i decided to put all of my energy into my art and my self. and then one day i was hanging out with a bunch of women and we were all complaining about men and how lousy they all were and i listened to myself talk and i thought, wow, i sound like an angry dyke. so i stopped spending all my time with whiny straight women who have no (love) lives and i began to socialize again. you know. house parties. late night drinks after the gig. and so on. my vibe changed, the ball started to roll and the next thiing i knew, it was a feeding frenzy. and then in walks bud, so to speak. a cool guy found me and the next thing i knew, we were hanging out, he was showing up at my gigs and i was introducing him to my friends.

i have a theory: in the modern day mating ritual called dating, things usually end within the first 15 minutes, the first three dates or the first three months.

this one i'm calling bud dumps me with some pomp and chivalry in a beautiful park on a clear sunny blue sky day, a day which happened to be the first day of summer. and i could not stop laughing. in retrospect, i was laughing in his face. i didn't know why at the time but i think i do now. the reason is, i've changed. not since i met him. i had changed before that but the change had been so profound and so thorough, i hadn't really noticed it. it wasn't just the weight loss (more than 25 pounds), although getting my body back in top form was definitely a sign of something more at work than just diet and excercise, which i'd given up for sensible eating habits and a physically active lifestyle. no, it was more than that. i had come into my own as a person on this whole other level. the therapy i'd had kicked into overdrive when i really needed it and saved me from what could have been a very depressing period in my life. as a result of this, the curmudgeon was gone. in it's place was a very happy, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving gal that looks so good, she still gets carded everywhere she goes (no, i am not lying). she has discovered a lot of love in her life. she has learned the hard way to enjoy every sandwich.

i knew that everything was blooming around me but i didn't know that i was blooming, too. i just kept on with my wonderful nyc life, bewildered that i suddenly had someone to share it with.

and then we hit the three month mark and he pre-empts everything in his unbelievably busy day job life because "we have to talk" -- something that men never say unless they want to dump you. i knew that's what was going to happen, so i braced myself and decided to see how he'd handle things. the last guy i was involved with simply disappeared -- he said oh, everything's fine and then i didn't see him or speak to him for more than two months. so, all things considered, this was pretty cool. i couldn't believe he had the balls to face me. men usually cave in with me very easily. he explained himself very carefully and said things that didn't make any sense. the explanation didn't matter, although to my ears, it was a real doozy. the upshot of it all is, he doesn't want to be with me. why would i want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me?

so here i sit, a few days later and i'm kind of amazed because i'm so over it. probably because i know i'm at my healthiest as a person right now and *surprise* i didn't do anything wrong.

maybe i dodged a bullet...

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