Sunday, January 09, 2005

fistfighting sleepy grrl

every day is a list of things i have to do, or else. every day is awash with the spillage of the day before: the phone calls i didn't make, the meetings scheduled weeks before, the stuff to mail and pick up and figure out and catch up on. always catching up. always falling behind. never falling off. every day is pushing and shoving me into the weekend. every weekend body slams me back into every day. it's my wrestling match. it's my fistfight.

am i sisyphus?

i crash land onto every friday evening like it's some long lost beach head, gasping for air, happy to have found some kind of terra firma. with a few liters of water and my laptop within easy reach, all i can think about is crawling into my bed, closing the curtains, wallowing in my wamsutta sheets and going to sleep. sleep, my avenger. sleep, my best friend. sleep, my worst enemy. sleep, my great escape, where i dream of music and ideas come to me like long lost friends and dance with me. last weekend, we did the rhumba on a cuban shoreline as i sang something sorrowful in creole. probably because most folks from the carribean think i'm haitian until i start talking. we were dressed in white, sleep and i. my great-grandmother was there, roasting oysters just for me. we had a lot of fun.

i love to sleep and wake up in the warmth and semidarkness of my bedroom, my cool air humidifier humming to itself like it's busy with other things besides keeping my vocal cords moist. i drink a quart of water and watch cold case files or the first 48 hours or dr. g: medical examiner while i'm playing with my little baby taylor. in a perfect world, i would wake up, go to the gym and then go back to bed. i think i'm chase sleep as hardcore as i do because i'm an insomniac. i live for the moment in my life when i am so loaded, i don't have to do anything but work out every morning and then reward myself by sitting in semi-darkness, watching art movies and the history channel and practicing.

and then when i get an idea, i turn down the tv, grab my cassette tape recorder and sing/play into it.

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