sea change

something in me is so exhausted. i can feel it all the way down into my bones. it's probably jet lag but wow. i feel sluggish most of the time, like a bear stumbling around in a cave. or a caveman stumbling around in a bear. it's the strangest thing. i'm conking out around 9pm every night on mpb's shoulder, like clockwork. he coaxes me into bed around 10pm or so. when he told me this the other day -- i could feel myself drifting off but i assumed it was at a much later time -- i balked. who is that girl? i wondered. i used to tip into bed at 2am every night, happily buzzing with ideas. i knew that when he kissed me goodnight around 11pm, i had a full evening of chatting, fingerpicking, channel surfing, snacking, netflix movie watching and whatnot ahead of me. now i'm straining to stay awake after dinner.  and dinner isn't the happytime grubfest it used to be. i seem to be incapable of eating more than half of whatever is on my plate.

believe it or not, snacks are a thing of the past.  i can't believe i'm saying this but i think i've lost my innate desire for junk food.  how do i know this, you may ask?  i passed by a gigantic bag of salt and pepper potato chips at trader joes today. it cried out to me like an old friend. i heard it loud and clear. and i remember thinking, if i buy that, i'll just eat it. so i didn't. i didn't get those fat-free cheese curls, either. i got the seaweed.

yeah, it's probably jet lag. once i start boxing again, i'll feel exhausted, yet energized. 

still and all, i can't help but wonder if this is the result of several seasonal bouts with the eat clean program last year and my insisting on incorporating certain habits into my everyday life as a result. i stopped eating starches, wheat gluten, peanuts and soy products on a regular basis, and all the bloat and puffiness left my midsection. that, combined with touring in europe so often -- i don't physically exhaust myself every day when i'm there but the food is cleaner and i tend not to eat or drink junk -- may be the things that have forced this change on me.

or maybe i'm just depressed.