Day 13: A Birthday Quote -- from Charlie Chaplin

How To Love Yourself - a primer

Quote of the Day -- from Maya Angelou

Truth be told...

I can honestly say that a big part of the reason why my life is so scrumtrulescent right now is because there are certain people that aren't in it anymore.  No wonder I'm finally losing my "happy" weight.  Interestingly, the apartment is less cluttered and more organized. There's no drama, no strife, no games, no manipulation, no gossip, no contention, no funk whatsoever.  My parents no longer call me every other week to inform me in no uncertain terms that I'm wasting my life and what I'm doing is garbage.  (And yeah -- not getting those phone calls in the middle of the night still feels weird.)

I love my permanent boyfriend. I love my guitars. I love to make cool art. The lack of stress feels light and breezy, like a new kind of permanent inner tropical vacation. Wheeee!

My only real regret is that it took so long to get here.  And that's nobody's fault but mine.

Now when stuff tips over and goes left, I relinquish it without a second thought, no matter what it is.  The less I struggle to hold onto whatever it is, the smoother things go, the better everything gets, the happier I am, the more joy overwhelms me.

I'm still stuck on getting a right cross that's stronger than my left jab.  I'm still figuring out how to play my own songs on guitar with conviction.  I'm still trying to make the perfect hair butter. I am still learning how to sing.

i'm the decider!

Source: confident-beautiful-motivated.tumblr.com via Gretchen on Pinterest

i've turned a corner.

i don't know exactly when it happened. i don't know what triggered it. i don't know when all of it hit me, full on. maybe it was boxing. taking myself to my absolute limit physically every day definitely changed me from the inside out. maybe it was the clean program. so many days of deliberately eating unprocessed, healthy, organic food -- no caffeine, no salt, no sugar, no junk food, no corn, no peanuts, no dairy, no nightshade vegetables, no wheat gluten, no pork or beef or seafood -- for weeks on end. it must have shaken something loose in my soul. or maybe its all the vintage tea dances and parties and cool events and such -- glowy moments that transport me into another time and place, whether i want to go or not.

as if all of that weren't enough, i have an avalanche of unconditional love in my life that overwhelms the most mundane moments in my day to day world -- and he's right by my side.

apparently while i was beating myself up about not being able to do a military push up, my life pulled me up to this whole other level. something clicked when i read the quote above. like gabby, i made the decision to get off the couch and get physical. i made up my mind to eat healthy. i wanted to have more fun on my own terms. sure -- getting dressed up in vintage clothes and going to a tea social and dancing to music from the 20s and 30s isn't everyone's idea of a good time but it makes me very, very happy. so, nuts to you.

maybe that's the whole point: nuts to you.

it's a beautiful thing, to subconsciously focus only on the things that really matter until everything else grows strangely blurred -- and i'm left wondering why i cared about any of that stuff in the first place.

and that's another thing: there is something powerful and life-affirming to be said for gabourey sidibe having the guts to make that statement to herself, to decide that she is beautiful, when practically everything in the world is telling her -- and every other black woman on the planet -- that she is not. there's a reason why, in a recent allure magazine survey, black women were three times as likely to rate themselves as "hot" than their caucasian counterparts. that makes perfect sense to me.

i don't have anything out there in the world that's validating what i see when i look in the mirror, so i make my own world. i have my own beauty standards and regimens, my own beauty ideals. my own beauty icons. and as i surround myself with these things and more, my self-confidence grows and grows and grows.

did chris rock say it best? why yes, he did.



i know how -- i decided! -- but i don't know when i got to this stronger, healthier, happier, more beautiful place in my life. all i know is that i'm pressing on, the upward way. and i'm grateful.

smart beauty!

over the years, the beauty industry has taught me in no uncertain terms that they simply don't care about me as a black woman. i'm hardly a presence in their ads. my skin tone isn't included in their makeup foundations or powders. when creating cleansers and moisturizers, my specific needs aren't assessed or considered. and i'm not even going to get into what my hair requires in its natural state, and all of the ways that isn't even remotely addressed. i'm simply not accommodated. period.

this is the reason why subconsciously i'm always on the lookout for things that work specifically for me, beautywise. just about every sister i know constantly falls into the habit of interjecting tidbits about something they've discovered that works, no matter how casual or convoluted the conversation happens to be. and it's almost always a big fat wow moment. we're all so excited to find something, for us. clearly, we're behind enemy lines and we're dissecting information and sharing it and passing it along to help each other as best we can. it's like we're in a secret society of some sort. finally coming to terms with the way we look and finding ourselves beautiful on our own terms is a subversive act.

you know what? that's exactly what it is.

to be black and to dare to think of yourself as beautiful is to defy everything that this culture says that you are, that you should be. it's almost as though every single day, every black woman assembles herself visually in her own way and moves forward with this singularity of thought, somewhere in the recesses of her soul. i am beautiful -- not because of you, not in spite of you. i just am.

imagine my surprise when a survey from essence magazine confirmed all of this, and more.

last week, essence presented smart beauty V, which basically gave the beauty industry a glimpse into the mindset of the african-american beauty consumer. they decided to do this by presenting the four archetypes that their survey revealed in the form of four actresses that embodied those ideals. we were placed amongst the audience as they watched the presentation, listened to the panel, had breakfast and took notes. as the descriptions were given, we presented ourselves. to tell you the truth, it felt like performance art. what better way to get your point across than to have it come alive before you. and come alive, we did. it was fun!

here are the four archetypes.

the first is queen bea. her beauty motto: "beauty is a strategy." what does she want? brands with proven results, expert advice and organic and natural ingredients. her quote: "i am always willing to pay a premium for beauty products that have lasting results."

the second is sheree de la sol. her beauty motto: "beauty signals to the world that i have arrived." what does she want? prestige, innovation and anti-aging techniques/products. her quote: "i use my beauty to express that i've made it."

the third is amber b. free. (yep, that was me.) her beauty motto: "beauty is a celebration of me." what does she want? products (preferrably organic) specifically created for me, good price points and value. her quote: "I do not follow beauty trends."

the fourth is jane jones. her beauty motto: "beauty should be simple." what does she want? simplified options, inspiration and guidance. her quote? "i buy fragrances endorsed by celebrities i like."

although the facts they presented definitely raised my eyebrows, one thing was crystal clear: for african-american women, beauty is unconditional.

• a whopping 84% of african-american women agreed with the statement, "i think i am a beautiful woman" vs 41% of the general market.
• how about this one -- 58% of african-american women agreed with the statement, "i'm always proud of my looks" vs 22% of the general market.
  
• this really blew me away: african-american women spend a whopping $2.6 billion on beauty products. sisters, that is quite a lot of cheddar.
  

for the life of me, i can't even begin to fully comprehend why white people in this country (and elsewhere, for that matter) don't understand that we live in two completely different worlds culturally and in spite of whatever the media may have you believe, it's fairly bleak on this end of the spectrum -- all the way across the board. most of what's out there in the beauty industry says that i'm not relevant. it doesn't affirm who i am. my response? i refuse to believe them. i go my own way.

still and all, there are more special moments than i'd care to reveal. like traipsing past several beauty counters in greenbriar mall -- arguably the blackest shopping spot in the atl -- and having mpb ask rhetorically why did all of the ads at every counter have white women in them. or slathering on raw shea butter onto my backside in the gym and having some white woman remark to her white friend that if she put any of that grease on her skin, she'd have acne everywhere, and why was i doing that. or approaching a beauty counter and having the makeup expert not have any foundation for me. or not know how to contour my face.

oh, i could go on. but you get the idea.

as we left the w hotel that morning after the event, i murmured to my three compatriots, "i feel a little blacker, ladies. how about you." and they all laughed. because really, we all did. it couldn't be helped. for one bright shining moment, someone stood up and said it, and it all came together beautifully. i think i probably floated to my boxing session, high heels and all.

maybe someday i'll be rich and famous. maybe i won't. who knows. no matter what happens, i'm not going to believe that i've really made it until i'm on the cover of essence.