Spring is here but not really...

"No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn."  -- Hal Borland

while spring drags its feet to get here, i'm doing a lot of deep cleaning to my body, this apartment and the rest of my life.  it was instinctual, like a weird reflex. disappearing into the clutter and disarray that constantly threatens to engulf me means losing myself in a whirlwind of memories more often than i care to admit.  sometimes they're not so pleasant.  forgiveness is essential.  so are boundaries.

the other day, i had an epiphany that full-on stopped me and left me floating in midair for what seemed like an eternity: i love myself, i have someone to love and i am doing something -- a lot of things, actually -- that i love. here's the kicker: i'm doing all of this in new york city. my life is nothing short of miraculous. i'm grateful to God for every moment i get to live it.

i don't know how i got here. there were certainly moments when i didn't think i'd ever get this far. and God only knows where any of this will take me. yes, i'm still perfectly capable of getting in my own way but the mistakes i make have a strange way of paying off in the long run. thank God.

so here's to spring, how ever it comes -- spring cleaning, spring makeovers, springing forward instead of falling backward, spring fever. there's something cathartic about these unexpected snowstorms that that have been happening so frequently this year. i step onto the midst of it as it's happening and everything is so fresh and new and deathly still. there's a purity to all that whiteness everywhere. it's like the world is trying to make it all gleam one last time. the garbage magically disappears and everything feels new. all at once, i have a strange, solitary feeling and yet, i feel so much a part of every single snowflake there is. 

and then there are yellow patches in the snow and the garbage begins to reek because no one is collecting it and cars start getting unstuck violently and the snow gets super dirty. and i wonder why i wanted it to snow in the first place.  ah, the neverending love and the unquenchable hate of new york city.

well. something is coming down the pike. i wonder what it is.  or as my great-grandmother's favorite gospel song goes, 'i believe i'll run on and see what the end is gonna be..."